[ Shouto sets his back on a wooden post to catch his breath using a breathing exercise to calm his racing heart. The sound of Allen's voice becomes a waymarker he uses to find his center to reign in his quirk before it has a chance to react to the old familiar pain he couldn't stuff back down. ]
... I'm still afraid of ending up there.
[ More than anything. He rather lose him than come to find out, he clipped his wings without ever knowing it. That's why he couldn't hold onto him so tightly. Why he let go as soon as he ran into any resistance. He spent his whole life curbing his natural tendency to cling to the people he loved, knowing that if he held on too tightly, he'd end up hurting them. ]
[ Oh, his heart squeezes at that, and Allen is quiet for a moment. It strikes a chord too close to home for him too, even if his own past was very different. And he's quiet as well because he knows that isn't something that has any easy answer.
No answer, save the only one he knows. The hard path he's always been on. ]
I know.
[ He says it so gently and looks up, seeing the familiar forest line as the edge of the city begins to give way. Almost there. ]
I don't want to end up there. Not anywhere near it.
That's why... I had to leave. Why it's okay if you leave, if that's what you want. I won't ever stop you. I don't want to hold onto you so tightly you end up hurt.
[ There's a small and short sound Allen makes at that, taken aback and a little strangled. Hard to tell if he's stung by that, or irritated, or something else. ]
I-- [ He tries again, fails, coming up remarkably tongue-tied for once, and... can't. The call cuts off with another strangled, curt noise.
But a second later Timcanpy rockets overhead too, a golden beacon clearing over the treetops and circling overhead. And behind him Allen, blended in with the nighttime winter forest in the snow between his own thin black-clad frame and the billowing white of Crown Clown. Forests are harder for him to try and move through like that than urban areas though, attaching himself to high trees with his ribbon tethers and pulling himself along like a trapeze artist, and the branches tear at him in a way he's been utterly ignoring. He makes it to the clearing at the height of his next upward swing though, high up and momentarily as weightless as a snowflake, before he comes down and lands at the steps to the enclosed engawa with a reckless forward momentum that has him almost trip over his own feet. He recovers though, getting his footing in a brief scramble--
And launches himself at Shouto. Not crashing into him but lunging to him, boots hitting the floor solidly to either side of him for balance as he lands in a crouch around him and reaches and half scoops him up and against him as much as he throws himself into the embrace too. Letting go of his invocation as he does so, the voluminous and ragged-looking cloak disseminating into so many feathers in the air like snow, so that he might have two relatively human and less dangerous hands with which to hold him. ]
People get hurt when you let go, too.
[ His voice is soft and strong both, but anguished. Muffled against Shouto's neck as he holds on tight, so tight, and the shards of light taking the form of feathers slowly settle and fade behind him. ]
[ The wood groans in protest from landing from so up high depositing all that momentum on a single board that shakes beneath his feet. Shouto jerks his head up, catching a cascade of white billowing all around him. If he wasn't already used to his invocation, he'd lose himself in the feathers that spun around him as ribbons of light when he dispels it.
His head jerks up at the sudden entrance. Gone are the tears whose presence can be found in the lines down his face and the few frozen ones that catch the spinning light that rides forward with him, dismissed yet clinging on to him before disappearing from view.
He's still registering his presence along with Tim's when Allen lands in front of him, dragging him into his arms. He sucks in a breath, registering the warmth radiating from as he's met with the sound of his voice vibrating against his neck.
Shouto trembles in his arms and throws his arms around him in an instant having missed the scent of lightning in the air with a touch of winter. The yukata limits his movements, but he manages to bury his own face in his hair, feeling the loss of him all at once after spending so long burying it deep down until he couldn't feel it anymore. His fingers clutch onto his back a little desperately, struggling to keep his temperature in check. ]
I missed you.
[ He kisses the top of his head, unable to stop himself, as he fights with the fabric to raise his arms up to touch his face. ]
[ Allen's trembling too, despite his strong grip, but not so much that he can't feel Shouto shake too. The scent of fire and ice hits him, bittersweet, and he notices finally the smoldered patch of yukata and Shouto's bare left shoulder. It hits him in the rush of everything, a deluge of feeling, scent, touch, and warmth breaking through what feels like a dam, but stands out nonetheless. You lost control of yourself and burnt it--
But the unshed tears he'd been trying to hold back the last few minutes well in relief instead of sadness when Allen feels him kiss the top of his head and admit that tenderly and not in regret, something he wasn't sure if he dared hope for but did nonetheless. He raises his head when he feels Shouto bring his hands up, turning his face into the touch and rubbing his cheek against his hand in a silent, painfully longing kind of manner. ]
I missed you too. [ Said half breathlessly, trying to nuzzle against how he's touching his face but also Shouto too, lightly bumping and brushing their noses together in that same loving but quietly yearning way. His fingers dig into the back of his yukata, bunching it up and pulling it down; a counterpoint.
This feeling is... like two puzzle pieces snapping together. Even if it's hard sometimes and he doubts himself... wasn't he still originally right in thinking maybe, just this time... it really could just be about making each other happy? Being better together than apart? Was that just him being blinded by those feelings? Or was he trying to blind himself to them?
He nuzzles again at Shouto, in a quiet way of relishing the slightest touch. Fairy-like brushes of almost-kisses. Tries to meet his eyes, his own a raw and glittering sort of silver. ]
[ He pulls against the fabric to touch his face. His fingers skim over the familiar scar that ran down his eye like a delicate line, and he bends down to brush his lips against him. Two weeks. One week of doubt the other of finality. He buried the longing in a bed of ice, putting away his omni afraid he'd tried to contact him after he left. He wasn't lying when he said he wouldn't hold him back. Wouldn't try to convince him to come back when he'd left on his own. He knew what it meant to find someone gone in his life from one day to the next with no word of leave. ]
I didn't want you to go.
[ He never meant that. Just space enough to sort himself out. If he had stayed that acrid feeling would have continued to grow. He knew how he was when it got a hold of him. The cold fire that turned him into a vision of his father. He was afraid of snapping at him in a way he never wanted to.
He swallows past the lump in his throat. Quivers from the elation coursing through him mixed with regret. From the concentration, it takes to keep himself from burning up more of his clothes when all he wanted to do was kiss him. He leans down to do just that. Pressing his lips against his in a delicate manner; a practice in restraint. ]
[ It's such a delicate and sweet kiss, one that melts the tense way he had been holding himself and causes Allen to finally relax against him and press his mouth back in return, it almost pulls him from the importance of what Shouto said. Something that makes his chest seize in a bittersweet kind of joy more even than the kiss. That is what you want, for your own sake too.
When you already made it clear how you could punish yourself for what you thought was his sake... the worst thing he could imagine would be to do anything to encourage that. Putting aside your own wants for what you thought his were.
He brings his hands up and lets one thread delicately through Shouto's hair as they kiss, strong fingers of his other hand flexing against his shoulder and kneading the muscle there. When they finally have to part for breath he breaks away for only a second, before touching his lips to his cheek. To the line where he had been crying before, that he follows up to the corner of his eye, raining the softest and most gentle kisses that he can on wherever he can reach. Shifting his weight onto his knees and bringing both hands up to skim along his face as he goes, gently caressing in butterfly strokes that dance across his own scar. Sweet and affectionate.
[ At first, he doesn't understand what he's doing until his lips land across his lashes making his intentions clear and Shouto, barely used to the kind of affection he always yearned for but barely got growing up, finds his throat clogging with unspent emotion. His eyes fall close, letting him continue with obstruction until he moves on pressing kiss after kiss like a balm to an open wound. ]
Allen--
[ His voice cracks from trying to speak past the lump in his throat. He presses his cheek to his and runs a hand through his hair, while he works the muscles of his throat to get the words out. ]
I don't want to continue like this.
[ He lets out a heated breath against his cheek, hot enough to melt the snow drifting in the air. It helps ease the tightness in his throat letting him say what he needs to without interruption. ]
I want to know what we are.
[ The heat radiating off him settles his nerves and melts the bit of snow that clung to both of them from the passing snow that drifted onto the ledge of the engawa. ]
[ He stops the moment he says his name like that, voice cracking in a way he's never heard from Shouto, hesitating even as his lips have just grazed his brow. Uncertain at first, uneasy and starting to tense up when he says I don't want to continue like this, but then thoughtful when he goes on. And he becomes quiet, easing up and just relaxing gently against him as his thoughts turn, finding himself both lulled by and focusing on the persistent heat radiating off Shouto now.
He bites his lip lightly, before letting his eyes close and leaning his cheek back in kind. ]
...I've never had a name for it. [ He admits it very softly, slow with deliberate contemplation. ]
I think... maybe I've thought more about what I hoped it was. [ But wouldn't presume. Not when Shouto was clear on how he was still trying to understand how he even felt about him.
He brings a hand up to touch his back gently, a little hesitantly. ]
[ Happiness... Allen leans his head against Shouto's in response to that and the twist joy that instills in him. Idly stroking his hair as he considers that, trying to look at it from every angle. They aren't so different from his own, but he also knows them for what they are, just from the sheer intensity with which he feels them. Is it because his feelings are stronger? No, Allen doesn't believe that even a little. It's a matter of semantics maybe, or understanding.
He's always known what love is, after all. Despite being so starved of it, he understands completely what it is to feel it. Not quite like this, now how he expresses it with Shouto certainly... but fundamentally, the same feeling. Ever since he met Mana, and the whole world became beautiful. That kind of joy even in darkness. ]
If I feel the same way, and I want to be with you... [ He hesitates, both a little shy but also truly considering his own logic. How it's something that seems so obvious then, but he's also so hesitant to say, and for a moment he hugs Shouto a little tighter. Feeling small in a rare bout of timidity. ]
[ That bout of happiness he spoke of spreads through him with those simple words and he grows a little warmer. He buries his face in his hair, smiling into the tangle he's made of it. ]
I do, too.
I missed you when you were gone.
[ More than he ever thought he would. A longing at the pit of his stomach he couldn't ignore, but had to accept. It felt like watching his siblings through the windows of the house he grew up in, away from them, wanting nothing more than to catch a glimpse of them and hear their voices.
He settles against him, generating a passive heat, he's not fully aware of. It's overwhelming but natural just like everything else with Allen. It felt right. That's how he knew even if he couldn't express it in precise words, it didn't diminish his feelings for him.
Love...
His breath catches in his throat and his muscles go tense, hyper-aware of Allen in a way he hasn't felt in a long time. The question turns what he thought he knew on its head. He pulls back, untangling his fingers from his hair to look at him. It's not the first time Allen has spoken of love directed at him, and while Shouto understood what he meant by it, it also never felt as real as it does right now. ]
I... don't know.
[ He swallows, feeling small in a way he rarely feels with him. ]
I don't have a reference that isn't mired in grief. [ He tries to explain, not wanting him to misunderstand. ] That's not how I feel about you. You don't make me sad.
[ It was different from what he felt for his mother and siblings. He knew he loved them but there was also a constant dark cloud that surrounded those feelings that wasn't present when he thought about Allen. ]
[ It's a gentle heat he's come to love and appreciate, all the more for understanding it generally came with Shouto's own gentle feelings and contentment. It makes him shift to settle more comfortably against him, like someone cozily might by a fireplace. A contentedness that's disrupted momentarily when he feels Shouto tense and pull away, sitting up a little as well himself so he might face him better and fearing he might have overstepped. Something that's confirmed with a small bit of dread when he says I don't know-- but Allen blinks then, his expression becoming gentle as he goes on and explains. Ah...
He bites his lip when he turns the question back around on him, immediately looking away a little shyly. In love versus having love for are two related but incredibly different things. One Allen fundamentally understands and knows well, can speak eloquently and without a shred of self-consciousness or doubt about, but the other... ]
I don't... know if I really know either. [ He admits it softly, worrying a little at his lip. ]
But I think... it's when you see someone and everything feels a little brighter. Happier, and you feel like laughing or smiling around them for sometimes no reason at all. [ It's extrapolating what he can from how Mana changed him, and he can speak more easily and sure of himself because of that. Soft and reflective, his eyes cast slightly to the side. Like he's drawing on some long buried memory. ]
When you feel a sense of belonging with them, even if you don't have any sort of right to claim that. But you hope to be able to be with them as long as you can anyway, because being around them makes you feel more whole. Something that makes you want to be a better person just because they exist. Because around them...
[ He looks back to Shouto then, meeting his eyes with an expression delicate and gentle, but so very certain too. Steadfast. ]
...the world is beautiful.
[ Allen flushes lightly, looking away again a second later. Reaching for Shouto's hands if he can, so he might gently thread their fingers together. Moving his own gloved fingers against his until they make a slow and intricate sort of dance, like he first had a long time ago when Shouto had tended his wounds after the battle with the akuma. ]
Wanting to touch them then, or kiss and hold them... [ His voice is quiet. Lost in thought and trying to find the right words to express what he means. The parts he's still less sure about, as they are what he's always been very uncomfortable with and entirely inexperienced at. Or he was, until ultimately something clicked and they too became a natural part of how Allen expressed himself -- with Shouto. Kissing and holding, or other romantic expressions for someone you feel drawn to, simply because: ]
...I think it comes from that sort of place. Wanting to express those feelings and know they have them too.
[ The gentle heat gradually returns serving as an effective shield against the encroaching cold. Shouto listens in silence, appreciating the genuine answer Allen works his way through, providing a glimpse into the inner workings of his mind. Shouto watches him closely, catching the light flush of his cheeks, and tilts his head slightly so very curious of its origin, he forgets what he was after in the first place. ]
I think you're beautiful.
[ He says without an ounce of shyness before completing the action for him. He threads their fingers together and holds onto him steadily. His eyes fixate on his mouth, recalling a memory of Allen smiling brightly, the sound of his laughter adorns the scene, and he thinks he understands. ]
[ The flush intensifies at that sort of answer, caught briefly offguard by it so much that he blinks at Shouto in a rather dumbfounded manner as it processes. Blinks a second and third time as it does. O-oh. ]
... [ He looks away with that flush, a little overwhelmed and not quite sure what to say in a fit of shyness. Squeezing Shouto's hand in return as he scratches a little at his cheek, he gives a helpless and sheepish sort of laugh. Light and a little awkward. ]
When I think of being here with you... [ He presses their palms together, clasping warmly and wishing he wasn't wearing gloves. ]
It's the most beautiful thing I can imagine. [ No, more than that-- ] The happiest.
[ Right now most of all, maybe. Tangled up on the engawa as some of the first light nighttime snow falls softly, feeling so raw and open but also comforted. Allen looks back up at Shouto at that though, with a gentle but also sober expression. Soft but enigmatic. ]
[ He tips his head down to stare at their joined hands. Thin scars peek out from under his palm. They stand out against the pristine glove, white against the dark backdrop of his yukata. With the same delicacy he'd hold one of his tea cups, he turns Allen's hand around. Midway through, his eyes lift up to catch the faint flush of his cheeks. Allen was attractive, but that wasn't the reason why heat poured out at a steady rate or why his heart felt heavy with regret in this moment. ]
Home.
[ It's the first time he's given voice to what he's ruminated over the span of months. Realizing, only now, he'd been daydreaming on his own this entire time. ]
That's what I want.
[ Delicately, he sets Allen's hand back on his lap, letting go. ]
[ There isn't a single other word Shouto could say that could ever mean more than that one does to Allen. Or one he's more weak to.
Not even family, as that's a concept he struggles with as even he knows that wasn't something he truly had with Mana—or anyone. The closest was with how Lenalee and her brother had seen the Order and tried to make it for everyone in it—but even that was different and not something he truly personally felt a part of as much as they were. But home...
So it's such a simple response, but one that goes through Allen who understands it in its entirety like lightning. Eyes snapping wide open in surprise, and his face contorts for a moment, tears welling again in his eyes where this time they stay. ]
I--
[ Overwhelmed, he falters. Head bowing as his fingers tighten in his lap and dig into the black material of his coat. The tears drop, splashing onto his hands like drops of rain. ]
Home... [ It's wrenched from him, his voice cracking with years of pent-up emotion and longing for something so simple.
He'd never wanted to leave, just like he'd never wanted to leave the Order. It just felt like he should. And too often when faced with choices like that... the decision that feels like the hardest, the one that puts himself aside, is the one he figures is the right one.
The wrong one he'd realize the moment Shouto had cried too, that reminded him why he first wanted to be with him in the first place. ]
[ He came into the world to a family on edge. His birth, the catalyst that exposed the rot of one man's convictions. Witness to the growing paranoia of his mother, isolated from his siblings, abused by his father, Shouto was surrounded by every facet of a home dressed up in lies.
Home wasn't family.
Family was a wilting flower that hung lower every year. Fuyumi tried to overwater it in hopes of reviving it. Natsuo ignored it. Shouto pruned off the dead leaves to lessen the weight and opened the window to let in the sun. He watched it from afar, noting the way his sister's efforts finally took root. How the blue of its petals caught his brother's eye. Home wasn't family, but with enough patience and care, it could be. Something he wanted more than anything. It's what he sought when he clung to his mother as a boy. What he sometimes glimpsed near his friends. What he thought he uncovered with Allen.
If you want someone to be sure of how you feel or how you see them, you have to tell them.
Home.
It's the only way he could convey everything he felt and remain truthful to himself. He wasn't the type to give voice to the depths of devotion that coursed through him with words that could so easily be said without the hard work it took to show the depth of feeling behind them.
This time, I won't assume.
He waits. Patient and quiet. Let's go of his hand not to influence him unnecessarily. The heat recedes when the tears come, freezing him in place. Petrified of making things worse, no longer confident in his instincts. Pacified by his past mistakes, he looks on in devastation but the moment he hears that answer, he sweeps in to envelop him in his arms, crashing on the ground and chasing off the cold with a spike of heat that's near boiling before receding back down to gentle heat. ]
[ Overwhelmed that he is and with his head bowed, Allen doesn't realize what's happening until he's been simultaneously swept up and knocked flat on his back -- and doesn't even care. Gasping next to Shouto's ear not in surprise so much as realization and trying to suck in breath when his chest keeps seizing, at the sudden sweltering heat that left him thinking for a moment it felt like he might burn up like cotton fabric too and he was fine with that, before his arms come up in a fiercely tight embrace. Clutching at the back of his yukata as he buries his face against his shoulder tight, tight, tight and feels like he might cry this time for just how solid and real he feels all around him--
-- and how that brings into perspective how crushingly empty it was without feeling him there.
It isn't that Allen was unaware of how lonely, how painful the last two weeks had been. He'd buried it as best he could to function, but even knowing how hollow it left him feeling...
Somehow I didn't realize I'd missed you this much.
The request almost breaks him though. Has him tremble like a leaf and cling back tighter for a moment. Press his whole body back in response even lying under him as he is, like he needs to as much as he needs air. Especially when he'd already made up his mind, if it was what Shouto wanted too, and his voice is tight and strained with affect. ]
I will.
[ Even if it's all he's ever wanted, it's the first time anyone's ever asked him to. ]
[ The little gasps cover up the night calls of a forest covered in snow. He should let go. Give him some room to breathe, but he's always been too weak to let go when the choice wasn't made for him. Feeling overwhelmed, he buries his face into the crook of his shoulder, his breath a little less shaky than Allen's.
The heat recedes in a steady incline while he sorts through his thoughts, making up his mind in the short span of time it takes to regulate his breathing. ]
Where to?
[ He asks, mouth pressed against the crook of his neck as the chill of the night starts to descent in the absence of his quirk. ]
That's why Allen's fingers still pull lightly on the fabric at his back, even as his breathing evens out. Nothing he'd ever say out loud or even entertain as something think he had any right to ask, but that remains the underlying reason for wanting to hold on so tightly still. He blinks softly at that question though, before letting his eyes close and leaning his head against Shouto's at the comforting familiarity of how his breath and lips move against his skin.
Where...? He almost asks him what he means, but is quiet for a moment as he considers it. The irony of that often being a question asks himself as it's in the very nature of himself, coded directly into even his name. In the metaphoric where to now.
How to move forward... and where to move forward to.
He brings a gloved hand up, somewhat tentative before he lets it rest against the back of Shouto's neck. Letting his palm rest warmly there, thin gloved fingers sifting into the short hairs there, as he nuzzles lightly at the crown of his head. I don't want to move, don't want to risk breaking this moment, but...
...it's also cold and his back is hurting. ]
I'm not tired, but... [ He hesitates, pausing thoughtfully. Measuring. Feeling out the situation and weighing the different tugs of his heart. The cooling temperature. ]
...could we go to bed? [ He asks it so quietly, almost like a simple and normal statement if his voice wasn't a bit smaller in asking it. And he nuzzles again at Shouto's brow, in a manner that's almost like ghosting a kiss across his forehead but not quite. No longer holding on desperately like before, but like he's trying to gather him up to him and hold him comfortingly close. ]
[ He's stood in a tempest of fire and ice, bound by flickering flames and clouds of frost. A storm lashing all around him where the hiss of fire is drowned out by crackling ice. Paralyzed by the limits of his body to adjust to his quirk, exhausted and wrung out, he's overcome every wall with grit and determination finding a way to move forward. He delves into that part of him now, where resolve and courage lie, to turn away from the easy path Allen hands him for the one he wants, not the clear road they've cleared before but a new one covered in overgrowth. ]
Ah, no... [ Faltering slightly, Allen blinks at that and is somewhat uncertain. Crestfallen, though he tries to keep it off his face. But...
...you said "stay," and I said "I will."
Warring with his own uncertainties and wondering what he missed, he brings his hands up to try and sweep some of Shouto's hair gently from his face; to try and encourage him to look up at him. ]
[ Between his stumbling feet that landed them on the ground and stuttering breaths that gradually lost their heat, he's gained his composure, enough to turn his head up and meet his eyes. ]
Stay... with me.
[ No longer marked by indecision, he lends what few words he can to what's in his heart. ]
Anywhere is fine. We can go back to Sanctuary.
You know everyone there. The place doesn't matter.
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no subject
... I'm still afraid of ending up there.
[ More than anything. He rather lose him than come to find out, he clipped his wings without ever knowing it. That's why he couldn't hold onto him so tightly. Why he let go as soon as he ran into any resistance. He spent his whole life curbing his natural tendency to cling to the people he loved, knowing that if he held on too tightly, he'd end up hurting them. ]
no subject
No answer, save the only one he knows. The hard path he's always been on. ]
I know.
[ He says it so gently and looks up, seeing the familiar forest line as the edge of the city begins to give way. Almost there. ]
But I believe you'll move forward.
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That's why... I had to leave. Why it's okay if you leave, if that's what you want. I won't ever stop you. I don't want to hold onto you so tightly you end up hurt.
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I-- [ He tries again, fails, coming up remarkably tongue-tied for once, and... can't. The call cuts off with another strangled, curt noise.
But a second later Timcanpy rockets overhead too, a golden beacon clearing over the treetops and circling overhead. And behind him Allen, blended in with the nighttime winter forest in the snow between his own thin black-clad frame and the billowing white of Crown Clown. Forests are harder for him to try and move through like that than urban areas though, attaching himself to high trees with his ribbon tethers and pulling himself along like a trapeze artist, and the branches tear at him in a way he's been utterly ignoring. He makes it to the clearing at the height of his next upward swing though, high up and momentarily as weightless as a snowflake, before he comes down and lands at the steps to the enclosed engawa with a reckless forward momentum that has him almost trip over his own feet. He recovers though, getting his footing in a brief scramble--
And launches himself at Shouto. Not crashing into him but lunging to him, boots hitting the floor solidly to either side of him for balance as he lands in a crouch around him and reaches and half scoops him up and against him as much as he throws himself into the embrace too. Letting go of his invocation as he does so, the voluminous and ragged-looking cloak disseminating into so many feathers in the air like snow, so that he might have two relatively human and less dangerous hands with which to hold him. ]
People get hurt when you let go, too.
[ His voice is soft and strong both, but anguished. Muffled against Shouto's neck as he holds on tight, so tight, and the shards of light taking the form of feathers slowly settle and fade behind him. ]
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry too.
no subject
His head jerks up at the sudden entrance. Gone are the tears whose presence can be found in the lines down his face and the few frozen ones that catch the spinning light that rides forward with him, dismissed yet clinging on to him before disappearing from view.
He's still registering his presence along with Tim's when Allen lands in front of him, dragging him into his arms. He sucks in a breath, registering the warmth radiating from as he's met with the sound of his voice vibrating against his neck.
Shouto trembles in his arms and throws his arms around him in an instant having missed the scent of lightning in the air with a touch of winter. The yukata limits his movements, but he manages to bury his own face in his hair, feeling the loss of him all at once after spending so long burying it deep down until he couldn't feel it anymore. His fingers clutch onto his back a little desperately, struggling to keep his temperature in check. ]
I missed you.
[ He kisses the top of his head, unable to stop himself, as he fights with the fabric to raise his arms up to touch his face. ]
no subject
But the unshed tears he'd been trying to hold back the last few minutes well in relief instead of sadness when Allen feels him kiss the top of his head and admit that tenderly and not in regret, something he wasn't sure if he dared hope for but did nonetheless. He raises his head when he feels Shouto bring his hands up, turning his face into the touch and rubbing his cheek against his hand in a silent, painfully longing kind of manner. ]
I missed you too. [ Said half breathlessly, trying to nuzzle against how he's touching his face but also Shouto too, lightly bumping and brushing their noses together in that same loving but quietly yearning way. His fingers dig into the back of his yukata, bunching it up and pulling it down; a counterpoint.
This feeling is... like two puzzle pieces snapping together. Even if it's hard sometimes and he doubts himself... wasn't he still originally right in thinking maybe, just this time... it really could just be about making each other happy? Being better together than apart? Was that just him being blinded by those feelings? Or was he trying to blind himself to them?
He nuzzles again at Shouto, in a quiet way of relishing the slightest touch. Fairy-like brushes of almost-kisses. Tries to meet his eyes, his own a raw and glittering sort of silver. ]
I missed you so much.
no subject
I didn't want you to go.
[ He never meant that. Just space enough to sort himself out. If he had stayed that acrid feeling would have continued to grow. He knew how he was when it got a hold of him. The cold fire that turned him into a vision of his father. He was afraid of snapping at him in a way he never wanted to.
He swallows past the lump in his throat. Quivers from the elation coursing through him mixed with regret. From the concentration, it takes to keep himself from burning up more of his clothes when all he wanted to do was kiss him. He leans down to do just that. Pressing his lips against his in a delicate manner; a practice in restraint. ]
I still don't.
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When you already made it clear how you could punish yourself for what you thought was his sake... the worst thing he could imagine would be to do anything to encourage that. Putting aside your own wants for what you thought his were.
He brings his hands up and lets one thread delicately through Shouto's hair as they kiss, strong fingers of his other hand flexing against his shoulder and kneading the muscle there. When they finally have to part for breath he breaks away for only a second, before touching his lips to his cheek. To the line where he had been crying before, that he follows up to the corner of his eye, raining the softest and most gentle kisses that he can on wherever he can reach. Shifting his weight onto his knees and bringing both hands up to skim along his face as he goes, gently caressing in butterfly strokes that dance across his own scar. Sweet and affectionate.
And apologetic, too. ]
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Allen--
[ His voice cracks from trying to speak past the lump in his throat. He presses his cheek to his and runs a hand through his hair, while he works the muscles of his throat to get the words out. ]
I don't want to continue like this.
[ He lets out a heated breath against his cheek, hot enough to melt the snow drifting in the air. It helps ease the tightness in his throat letting him say what he needs to without interruption. ]
I want to know what we are.
[ The heat radiating off him settles his nerves and melts the bit of snow that clung to both of them from the passing snow that drifted onto the ledge of the engawa. ]
I thought I knew... I assumed...
[ Het lets out a shaky breath. ]
I don't want to assume anymore.
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He bites his lip lightly, before letting his eyes close and leaning his cheek back in kind. ]
...I've never had a name for it. [ He admits it very softly, slow with deliberate contemplation. ]
I think... maybe I've thought more about what I hoped it was. [ But wouldn't presume. Not when Shouto was clear on how he was still trying to understand how he even felt about him.
He brings a hand up to touch his back gently, a little hesitantly. ]
...Did you figure it out? What your feelings are?
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Some of them. I know I like you on the inside and the outside. Not just as a friend but like someone I want to kiss and hold.
[ He tries to articulate that better but it proves too unfamiliar from what he knows. ]
When I think about you, you feel like... happiness. At least... that's what I feel when I look at you.
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He's always known what love is, after all. Despite being so starved of it, he understands completely what it is to feel it. Not quite like this, now how he expresses it with Shouto certainly... but fundamentally, the same feeling. Ever since he met Mana, and the whole world became beautiful. That kind of joy even in darkness. ]
If I feel the same way, and I want to be with you... [ He hesitates, both a little shy but also truly considering his own logic. How it's something that seems so obvious then, but he's also so hesitant to say, and for a moment he hugs Shouto a little tighter. Feeling small in a rare bout of timidity. ]
...aren't we in love then?
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I do, too.
I missed you when you were gone.
[ More than he ever thought he would. A longing at the pit of his stomach he couldn't ignore, but had to accept. It felt like watching his siblings through the windows of the house he grew up in, away from them, wanting nothing more than to catch a glimpse of them and hear their voices.
He settles against him, generating a passive heat, he's not fully aware of. It's overwhelming but natural just like everything else with Allen. It felt right. That's how he knew even if he couldn't express it in precise words, it didn't diminish his feelings for him.
Love...
His breath catches in his throat and his muscles go tense, hyper-aware of Allen in a way he hasn't felt in a long time. The question turns what he thought he knew on its head. He pulls back, untangling his fingers from his hair to look at him. It's not the first time Allen has spoken of love directed at him, and while Shouto understood what he meant by it, it also never felt as real as it does right now. ]
I... don't know.
[ He swallows, feeling small in a way he rarely feels with him. ]
I don't have a reference that isn't mired in grief. [ He tries to explain, not wanting him to misunderstand. ] That's not how I feel about you. You don't make me sad.
[ It was different from what he felt for his mother and siblings. He knew he loved them but there was also a constant dark cloud that surrounded those feelings that wasn't present when he thought about Allen. ]
I...
[ He looks to him, hesitant and unsure. ]
How do you know if you're in love?
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He bites his lip when he turns the question back around on him, immediately looking away a little shyly. In love versus having love for are two related but incredibly different things. One Allen fundamentally understands and knows well, can speak eloquently and without a shred of self-consciousness or doubt about, but the other... ]
I don't... know if I really know either. [ He admits it softly, worrying a little at his lip. ]
But I think... it's when you see someone and everything feels a little brighter. Happier, and you feel like laughing or smiling around them for sometimes no reason at all. [ It's extrapolating what he can from how Mana changed him, and he can speak more easily and sure of himself because of that. Soft and reflective, his eyes cast slightly to the side. Like he's drawing on some long buried memory. ]
When you feel a sense of belonging with them, even if you don't have any sort of right to claim that. But you hope to be able to be with them as long as you can anyway, because being around them makes you feel more whole. Something that makes you want to be a better person just because they exist. Because around them...
[ He looks back to Shouto then, meeting his eyes with an expression delicate and gentle, but so very certain too. Steadfast. ]
...the world is beautiful.
[ Allen flushes lightly, looking away again a second later. Reaching for Shouto's hands if he can, so he might gently thread their fingers together. Moving his own gloved fingers against his until they make a slow and intricate sort of dance, like he first had a long time ago when Shouto had tended his wounds after the battle with the akuma. ]
Wanting to touch them then, or kiss and hold them... [ His voice is quiet. Lost in thought and trying to find the right words to express what he means. The parts he's still less sure about, as they are what he's always been very uncomfortable with and entirely inexperienced at. Or he was, until ultimately something clicked and they too became a natural part of how Allen expressed himself -- with Shouto. Kissing and holding, or other romantic expressions for someone you feel drawn to, simply because: ]
...I think it comes from that sort of place. Wanting to express those feelings and know they have them too.
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I think you're beautiful.
[ He says without an ounce of shyness before completing the action for him. He threads their fingers together and holds onto him steadily. His eyes fixate on his mouth, recalling a memory of Allen smiling brightly, the sound of his laughter adorns the scene, and he thinks he understands. ]
I think you make the world beautiful.
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... [ He looks away with that flush, a little overwhelmed and not quite sure what to say in a fit of shyness. Squeezing Shouto's hand in return as he scratches a little at his cheek, he gives a helpless and sheepish sort of laugh. Light and a little awkward. ]
When I think of being here with you... [ He presses their palms together, clasping warmly and wishing he wasn't wearing gloves. ]
It's the most beautiful thing I can imagine. [ No, more than that-- ] The happiest.
[ Right now most of all, maybe. Tangled up on the engawa as some of the first light nighttime snow falls softly, feeling so raw and open but also comforted. Allen looks back up at Shouto at that though, with a gentle but also sober expression. Soft but enigmatic. ]
What is it you want to be, then? Us.
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Home.
[ It's the first time he's given voice to what he's ruminated over the span of months. Realizing, only now, he'd been daydreaming on his own this entire time. ]
That's what I want.
[ Delicately, he sets Allen's hand back on his lap, letting go. ]
What do you want?
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Not even family, as that's a concept he struggles with as even he knows that wasn't something he truly had with Mana—or anyone. The closest was with how Lenalee and her brother had seen the Order and tried to make it for everyone in it—but even that was different and not something he truly personally felt a part of as much as they were. But home...
So it's such a simple response, but one that goes through Allen who understands it in its entirety like lightning. Eyes snapping wide open in surprise, and his face contorts for a moment, tears welling again in his eyes where this time they stay. ]
I--
[ Overwhelmed, he falters. Head bowing as his fingers tighten in his lap and dig into the black material of his coat. The tears drop, splashing onto his hands like drops of rain. ]
Home... [ It's wrenched from him, his voice cracking with years of pent-up emotion and longing for something so simple.
He'd never wanted to leave, just like he'd never wanted to leave the Order. It just felt like he should. And too often when faced with choices like that... the decision that feels like the hardest, the one that puts himself aside, is the one he figures is the right one.
The wrong one he'd realize the moment Shouto had cried too, that reminded him why he first wanted to be with him in the first place. ]
Whenever I look at you... I feel "home."
cw: domestic abuse
Home wasn't family.
Family was a wilting flower that hung lower every year. Fuyumi tried to overwater it in hopes of reviving it. Natsuo ignored it. Shouto pruned off the dead leaves to lessen the weight and opened the window to let in the sun. He watched it from afar, noting the way his sister's efforts finally took root. How the blue of its petals caught his brother's eye. Home wasn't family, but with enough patience and care, it could be. Something he wanted more than anything. It's what he sought when he clung to his mother as a boy. What he sometimes glimpsed near his friends. What he thought he uncovered with Allen.
If you want someone to be sure of how you feel or how you see them, you have to tell them.
Home.
It's the only way he could convey everything he felt and remain truthful to himself. He wasn't the type to give voice to the depths of devotion that coursed through him with words that could so easily be said without the hard work it took to show the depth of feeling behind them.
This time, I won't assume.
He waits. Patient and quiet. Let's go of his hand not to influence him unnecessarily. The heat recedes when the tears come, freezing him in place. Petrified of making things worse, no longer confident in his instincts. Pacified by his past mistakes, he looks on in devastation but the moment he hears that answer, he sweeps in to envelop him in his arms, crashing on the ground and chasing off the cold with a spike of heat that's near boiling before receding back down to gentle heat. ]
Stay.
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-- and how that brings into perspective how crushingly empty it was without feeling him there.
It isn't that Allen was unaware of how lonely, how painful the last two weeks had been. He'd buried it as best he could to function, but even knowing how hollow it left him feeling...
Somehow I didn't realize I'd missed you this much.
The request almost breaks him though. Has him tremble like a leaf and cling back tighter for a moment. Press his whole body back in response even lying under him as he is, like he needs to as much as he needs air. Especially when he'd already made up his mind, if it was what Shouto wanted too, and his voice is tight and strained with affect. ]
I will.
[ Even if it's all he's ever wanted, it's the first time anyone's ever asked him to. ]
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The heat recedes in a steady incline while he sorts through his thoughts, making up his mind in the short span of time it takes to regulate his breathing. ]
Where to?
[ He asks, mouth pressed against the crook of his neck as the chill of the night starts to descent in the absence of his quirk. ]
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That's why Allen's fingers still pull lightly on the fabric at his back, even as his breathing evens out. Nothing he'd ever say out loud or even entertain as something think he had any right to ask, but that remains the underlying reason for wanting to hold on so tightly still. He blinks softly at that question though, before letting his eyes close and leaning his head against Shouto's at the comforting familiarity of how his breath and lips move against his skin.
Where...? He almost asks him what he means, but is quiet for a moment as he considers it. The irony of that often being a question asks himself as it's in the very nature of himself, coded directly into even his name. In the metaphoric where to now.
How to move forward... and where to move forward to.
He brings a gloved hand up, somewhat tentative before he lets it rest against the back of Shouto's neck. Letting his palm rest warmly there, thin gloved fingers sifting into the short hairs there, as he nuzzles lightly at the crown of his head. I don't want to move, don't want to risk breaking this moment, but...
...it's also cold and his back is hurting. ]
I'm not tired, but... [ He hesitates, pausing thoughtfully. Measuring. Feeling out the situation and weighing the different tugs of his heart. The cooling temperature. ]
...could we go to bed? [ He asks it so quietly, almost like a simple and normal statement if his voice wasn't a bit smaller in asking it. And he nuzzles again at Shouto's brow, in a manner that's almost like ghosting a kiss across his forehead but not quite. No longer holding on desperately like before, but like he's trying to gather him up to him and hold him comfortingly close. ]
I just want to hold onto you for a while still.
[ If that's okay. ]
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You can hold onto me anywhere.
[ A promise made in the dead of night. ]
We can go back to the Sanctuary.
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Ah, no... [ Faltering slightly, Allen blinks at that and is somewhat uncertain. Crestfallen, though he tries to keep it off his face. But...
...you said "stay," and I said "I will."
Warring with his own uncertainties and wondering what he missed, he brings his hands up to try and sweep some of Shouto's hair gently from his face; to try and encourage him to look up at him. ]
Why do you say Sanctuary?
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Stay... with me.
[ No longer marked by indecision, he lends what few words he can to what's in his heart. ]
Anywhere is fine. We can go back to Sanctuary.
You know everyone there. The place doesn't matter.
[ Only the company he keeps. ]
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