[Same text that he sent to Izuku. Katsuki doesn't have much energy, mentally or physically... and he wants to kind of gauge how everyone has taken the whole thing to even know how to unpack it with them. Dealing with their grief on it is a given--least it has been with Ochako and his childhood friend, but it doesn't make it any less difficult or tiring in ways.
Can't just tell them all to shake it off, like he's trying to. He's not the one who had to sit back and live with the loss, however short-lived it was.]
[ His OMNI goes off waking him up from a fitful sleep. With blurry eyes, he looks down at the name inscribed across his screen, and all at once, all cylinders start firing off.
He sits up so quickly, the blankets wrapped around him grow taunt, and he drops the phone face down. Shouto scrambles for it turning it around as soon as he plucks it from the ground, and his eyes water at the name spelled out so clearly on the screen. ]
[ The wake-up call is enough to have his throat clogging, and his quirk swings wildly inside his chest from the varying emotions clambering for attention all at once, making it difficult to type a simple response. ]
[ He manages through blurry eyes as the left overtakes the ice, and he manages to wipe at his face to better see as his thoughts finally start to string a proper response. ]
Not like I had a choice in the matter, but I wouldn't ditch out on you idiots if I did.
[Katsuki usually doesn't outwardly display how much he cares about them. His friends. It's too fucking cheesy and kindhearted for his taste, to do that. But right now? They probably need to hear that kind of shit from him. A sense of comfort, or whatever.
[ Shouto doesn't even recognize the semi-insult. It's hard to pay attention to that kind of thing when it's his voice that he's so intent on. He's back.
You and Touya--
His throat clogs. He didn't see the aftermath of their fight, and he finds himself skittering around it, at least for the moment. He doesn't care how they got here nearly as much as the fact that he's back. Still, he struggles with his thoughts. His quirk swings from left to right inside his chest, churning chaotically along with his emotions. Amid the turmoil, it takes him some time to type his second most prominent thought finally. ]
[No one talks about that part of coming back to life in Trench. It's a small price to pay for not being gone permanently and he's fine with that, but Katsuki isn't about to act like it's all sunshine and fucking daisies either.]
[ Shouto arrived in Trench from the start, he knows there's always a price to pay. It's not the first time someone close to him has died, and he fears it won't be the last. Still, it was better than drifting in the endless sea. The price was a reminder that he was alive even if it wasn't 'him' that came back. At least not his original body. It was his fear that one day one of them would come back with no recollection of the time they had shared. That he would lose someone permanently even when they stood in front of him, but hearing Bakguou speak, those fears ebb away. The way he speaks, it's like he kept all his memories which is another slow relief, one he didn't know he was waiting for. ]
It's the death price, most likely. [ Three dots hover on the screen as he continues to type. ] It should get better.
[ The dots fade and then return. They hover for some time before abruptly stopping. Silence reigns for a full minute before the three dots return this time it's only a few seconds before a message comes through. ]
I'm fine. Ain't shit compared to what got me here.
[Burning to death is fucking horrific.
Also, watching those dots is annoying. He has an idea of where they might take 'em. And he's not really thrilled about having this conversation, no matter what angle his classmate decides to take.
Then the text finally comes and sure as shit, he's gritting his teeth together and staring at it darkly.]
Because he fucking attacked me in the middle of the street. I'm gonna go ahead and nip this in the ass now, if you're gonna try to fucking defend that asshole to me, you can just save us both the headache and fuck right off.
I'm not the only one he killed out there, and I don't feel one bit of remorse for taking him down with me.
[ Stunned silence on the other side. Touya said you attacked him... He asked his brother what happened. Now... he doesn't know what to believe. He doesn't trust his brother. He can't. He knows what he's done. What he's capable of, but he... wants to believe him. When Touya told him Bakugou attacked him, Shouto thought Bakugou was under the influence of a curse that made him act out of character. It was the only explanation he could believe, but to have Bakugou outright contradict him... ]
[ Despite what he wants to believe, he knows Bakugou wouldn't lie to him. He never has. The knowledge of it makes him doubt what else his brother told him. Did he misunderstand, or did Touya lie to him? That's the question circling through his head right now, but there is one thing he doesn't doubt. ]
Not this time. It was a fucking revenge trip for him. For July, when I went villain and fucked him up.
I don't give a shit about what he did to me, expected it even. But the lady he fucking roasted right in front of me didn't deserve to die. Especially not like THAT.
[He feels sick to his stomach all over again just thinking about it. Katsuki couldn't save them both. The vendor and that woman. He had to make a choice, and that choice is going to haunt him for a long time to come.
But that's no one else's fucking problem. That's his burden to bare, alone.]
Asshole got it outta his system, we called it even when we washed up. It's over. So don't worry your stupid head off about it.
[ Bakugou's explanation extends his understanding of his brother's words: He tried to kill me and failed. I killed him and succeeded.
I... misunderstood. He didn't ask more questions, too relieved to find him whole and alive with the memories still intact. Yet, it does little to lighten the burden pressing on his chest. He didn't kill that civilian out of revenge. The realization twists a knife in his gut. He doesn't try to look for a reason for his actions, knowing it didn't matter. He could justify self-defense but this... his stomach churns in agony. ]
I care what he does to you. To anyone.
[ Shouto thought he stopped killing people. Yet, deep down the realization doesn't surprise him. Endeavor was the same. He thought-- no, he wanted to believe he had changed. Just like he wanted to believe Endeavor had too. He was growing used to being disappointed by his family. Yet this one leaves an ache in his chest that even the cold can't numb. ]
Who did he kill?
[ A simple inquiry made all the more detached from the text function even as his skin grows cold as he types it. ]
[It takes Katsuki a few minutes to get back to this. Half of that is spent trying to will himself not to throw up again.
Pathetic.
It's his fault she died. His failure. He didn't light the proverbial match, but he might as well have.
The other half is typing, then deleting, then typing again. Those three dots are quite the clue into how unwell the explosive teen actually is. He never hesitates. He never had to think twice about what he is going to say.]
Just me and her. She chose to stand next to the wrong fucking person that day.
I tried to lead him away from everyone. He fucking killed her to make me come back.
[He doesn't want to talk about this. WHY is he fucking talking about this?!
Probably the nasty voice in his head telling him that he can't be a fucking lowly coward and sweep it under the rug. That'd make him an even bigger failure of a hero.]
His fingers twist against the sheets as his shoulders turn inward, making him appear smaller in the dark room. His throat clogs with an unrelenting ache that far surpasses disillusionment.
How many others had he killed here that he didn't know about? How many more would have to forfeit their lives because he was so stupid to see what was in front of him all along? He knew at the start who Touya was, but he let himself believe that he had--that he-- His eyes shut tight, water brimming at the edge of his lashes as he clutches at his chest that holds a firestorm he can't control. The cotton turns black scorched by the concentrated heat, yet doesn't go aflame. Shouto manages to keep that much control even as a cry escapes him that breaks that down into a gasp of breath as the tears fall.
Fire and ice churn ceaselessly in his chest, and Shouto spends the next minute keeping it from spilling out. His breath comes in short gasps as his fingers turn white against the sheets in his struggle to stay calm. As it stands, his shoulders tremble with the effort leaving him exhausted by the time he finds purchase and buries the fire in ice. ]
[Katsuki doesn't say anything, doesn't push. He gets it. The time in between messages is kind of a blessing and a curse, but he fucking gets it. On one hand, it's kind of spreading out the misery for them both to keep taking time... but the other?
They both need it. Badly. While Shouto is warring with himself and his quirk, Katsuki is peeling himself away from his girlfriend (who is understandably clingy) to go hide out in the bathroom for a few minutes. There he just sits. Back against the door and knees drawn up so he can rest his head in the arms he props there until Shouto messages back.
What he does find, when the notification comes in, is like a punch to the gut.
It's a fucking apology, and... he doesnt want it. At all.
Katsuki, for once in his damn life, didn't want to be right. Shouto pisses him the fuck off sometimes, he wants to beat him to the top and will stop at nothing to get there but... this? Knowing how much this entire fucking situation-- the history back home AND everything that's happened here-- has gotta hurt??
Fuck.]
Keep your apology. I ain't here to fuckin tell you that I told you so. People CAN change. If they want to.
I wish he could've been who you wanted. Who you thought he was.
It's rewriting his entire approach w/his brother so of course it hurts! ;_;
[ Despite his promise to stop, Shouto retreats into the ice in a way he hasn't in months. It's the only way to keep himself afloat and keep the ache from overwhelming him.
The disenchantment is the worst. Realizing how much hope he'd put into Touya's shift from villain to brother. The goals he's set for them. The plans he'd made all seem to collapse under the weight of reality. He deluded himself... The same way he thought Endeavor had changed his perception of his family was always a far cry from reality.
People CAN change. If they want to. Bakugou's hits the nail on the head, and a chill runs through the room, the temperature dropping even as his shoulders stop shaking. That's the thing... ]
... I didn't want him to be anyone but himself.
[ He wanted his brother, not a caricature of him. Yet, he couldn't accept this aspect of him anymore than he could Endeavor's abuse of his mother. ]
Katsuki feels like a bastard and it's not even his fault!!!
[Katsuki knows what he wants to say on top of that, but that's the problem. It's a battle with himself to get the words out.
One part of him says that he shouldn't be. He didn't fucking ask for this, and Touya refused to let him get the chance for another choice. This is all on that bastard. He is the one who went and fucking disappointed his little brother, he is the one who couldn't fucking let go of the past. He is the one who killed someone completely uninvolved in their shit. Just had to get his goddamn revenge, at ANY cost, and for what?! Just for them to wash up again and go on their separate ways like nothing ever happened at all?!
It has to be that way. Katsuki fucking hates it, but it has to. If anyone does anything to Dabi for what he did, its just going to set the cycle and then what? Izuku asked about stopping him and making sure it never happens again, but what the fuck are they even going to do? Lock him up somewhere? Even if they found a way to do that, Shigaraki would get involved. Toga would get involved. And then suddenly, they're at fucking war again.
It can't happen. Nothing can happen.
And that pisses Katsuki off. So fucking much. No, he just gets to sit here and let the fact that a woman died because of him just weigh on his shoulders. Gets to watch as his friends work their way through grief and anger and the realization that there is nothing any of them can do to better it or change things.
It's all shit. And it is his fault in some ways. If he had been strong enough to resist Trench and it's madness in the first place... then none of them would be here.]
I'm sorry.
Edited (Forgot to choose an icon) 2022-10-30 02:40 (UTC)
[ The cold seeps into the bedroom, robbing it of warmth. Maybe it's his resistance to the cold that makes him unaware of the temperature drop. Or the comfort of a mother's tender love that always came with a chill that makes him blind to it. Or maybe it's knowing that it was his family that wrought death to a friend that has him delving into his thoughts so deeply he doesn't notice the state of the room.
Shouto looks down at the apology with somber eyes. It feels more like a curse than amends. ]
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Text; UN: Dynamight [backdated to oct 1]
[Same text that he sent to Izuku. Katsuki doesn't have much energy, mentally or physically... and he wants to kind of gauge how everyone has taken the whole thing to even know how to unpack it with them. Dealing with their grief on it is a given--least it has been with Ochako and his childhood friend, but it doesn't make it any less difficult or tiring in ways.
Can't just tell them all to shake it off, like he's trying to. He's not the one who had to sit back and live with the loss, however short-lived it was.]
1/?
He sits up so quickly, the blankets wrapped around him grow taunt, and he drops the phone face down. Shouto scrambles for it turning it around as soon as he plucks it from the ground, and his eyes water at the name spelled out so clearly on the screen. ]
2/?
3/3
[ He manages through blurry eyes as the left overtakes the ice, and he manages to wipe at his face to better see as his thoughts finally start to string a proper response. ]
You came back.
no subject
[Katsuki usually doesn't outwardly display how much he cares about them. His friends. It's too fucking cheesy and kindhearted for his taste, to do that. But right now? They probably need to hear that kind of shit from him. A sense of comfort, or whatever.
Calling them all idiots makes it less gross.]
no subject
You and Touya--
His throat clogs. He didn't see the aftermath of their fight, and he finds himself skittering around it, at least for the moment. He doesn't care how they got here nearly as much as the fact that he's back. Still, he struggles with his thoughts. His quirk swings from left to right inside his chest, churning chaotically along with his emotions. Amid the turmoil, it takes him some time to type his second most prominent thought finally. ]
How are you feeling?
no subject
[No one talks about that part of coming back to life in Trench. It's a small price to pay for not being gone permanently and he's fine with that, but Katsuki isn't about to act like it's all sunshine and fucking daisies either.]
no subject
It's the death price, most likely. [ Three dots hover on the screen as he continues to type. ] It should get better.
[ The dots fade and then return. They hover for some time before abruptly stopping. Silence reigns for a full minute before the three dots return this time it's only a few seconds before a message comes through. ]
Why did you fight him?
Quietly phone tags from work >>
[Burning to death is fucking horrific.
Also, watching those dots is annoying. He has an idea of where they might take 'em. And he's not really thrilled about having this conversation, no matter what angle his classmate decides to take.
Then the text finally comes and sure as shit, he's gritting his teeth together and staring at it darkly.]
Because he fucking attacked me in the middle of the street. I'm gonna go ahead and nip this in the ass now, if you're gonna try to fucking defend that asshole to me, you can just save us both the headache and fuck right off.
I'm not the only one he killed out there, and I don't feel one bit of remorse for taking him down with me.
1/2 | Sneak! XD
2/3
[ Despite what he wants to believe, he knows Bakugou wouldn't lie to him. He never has. The knowledge of it makes him doubt what else his brother told him. Did he misunderstand, or did Touya lie to him? That's the question circling through his head right now, but there is one thing he doesn't doubt. ]
3/3
[ He doesn't believe in half-truths and lays everything down on the table. ]
I trust you.
[ More than his brother, a truth that leaves a heavy feeling in his chest. ]
no subject
I don't give a shit about what he did to me, expected it even. But the lady he fucking roasted right in front of me didn't deserve to die. Especially not like THAT.
[He feels sick to his stomach all over again just thinking about it. Katsuki couldn't save them both. The vendor and that woman. He had to make a choice, and that choice is going to haunt him for a long time to come.
But that's no one else's fucking problem. That's his burden to bare, alone.]
Asshole got it outta his system, we called it even when we washed up. It's over. So don't worry your stupid head off about it.
no subject
I... misunderstood. He didn't ask more questions, too relieved to find him whole and alive with the memories still intact. Yet, it does little to lighten the burden pressing on his chest. He didn't kill that civilian out of revenge. The realization twists a knife in his gut. He doesn't try to look for a reason for his actions, knowing it didn't matter. He could justify self-defense but this... his stomach churns in agony. ]
I care what he does to you. To anyone.
[ Shouto thought he stopped killing people. Yet, deep down the realization doesn't surprise him. Endeavor was the same. He thought-- no, he wanted to believe he had changed. Just like he wanted to believe Endeavor had too. He was growing used to being disappointed by his family. Yet this one leaves an ache in his chest that even the cold can't numb. ]
Who did he kill?
[ A simple inquiry made all the more detached from the text function even as his skin grows cold as he types it. ]
no subject
Pathetic.
It's his fault she died. His failure. He didn't light the proverbial match, but he might as well have.
The other half is typing, then deleting, then typing again. Those three dots are quite the clue into how unwell the explosive teen actually is. He never hesitates. He never had to think twice about what he is going to say.]
Just me and her. She chose to stand next to the wrong fucking person that day.
I tried to lead him away from everyone. He fucking killed her to make me come back.
[He doesn't want to talk about this. WHY is he fucking talking about this?!
Probably the nasty voice in his head telling him that he can't be a fucking lowly coward and sweep it under the rug. That'd make him an even bigger failure of a hero.]
1/2
His fingers twist against the sheets as his shoulders turn inward, making him appear smaller in the dark room. His throat clogs with an unrelenting ache that far surpasses disillusionment.
How many others had he killed here that he didn't know about? How many more would have to forfeit their lives because he was so stupid to see what was in front of him all along? He knew at the start who Touya was, but he let himself believe that he had--that he-- His eyes shut tight, water brimming at the edge of his lashes as he clutches at his chest that holds a firestorm he can't control. The cotton turns black scorched by the concentrated heat, yet doesn't go aflame. Shouto manages to keep that much control even as a cry escapes him that breaks that down into a gasp of breath as the tears fall.
Fire and ice churn ceaselessly in his chest, and Shouto spends the next minute keeping it from spilling out. His breath comes in short gasps as his fingers turn white against the sheets in his struggle to stay calm. As it stands, his shoulders tremble with the effort leaving him exhausted by the time he finds purchase and buries the fire in ice. ]
2/2
I'm sorry.
For not listening to you and Uraraka... when you tried to warn me.
My heart at this thread what the fuck
They both need it. Badly. While Shouto is warring with himself and his quirk, Katsuki is peeling himself away from his girlfriend (who is understandably clingy) to go hide out in the bathroom for a few minutes. There he just sits. Back against the door and knees drawn up so he can rest his head in the arms he props there until Shouto messages back.
What he does find, when the notification comes in, is like a punch to the gut.
It's a fucking apology, and... he doesnt want it. At all.
Katsuki, for once in his damn life, didn't want to be right. Shouto pisses him the fuck off sometimes, he wants to beat him to the top and will stop at nothing to get there but... this? Knowing how much this entire fucking situation-- the history back home AND everything that's happened here-- has gotta hurt??
Fuck.]
Keep your apology. I ain't here to fuckin tell you that I told you so. People CAN change. If they want to.
I wish he could've been who you wanted. Who you thought he was.
It's rewriting his entire approach w/his brother so of course it hurts! ;_;
The disenchantment is the worst. Realizing how much hope he'd put into Touya's shift from villain to brother. The goals he's set for them. The plans he'd made all seem to collapse under the weight of reality. He deluded himself... The same way he thought Endeavor had changed his perception of his family was always a far cry from reality.
People CAN change. If they want to. Bakugou's hits the nail on the head, and a chill runs through the room, the temperature dropping even as his shoulders stop shaking. That's the thing... ]
... I didn't want him to be anyone but himself.
[ He wanted his brother, not a caricature of him. Yet, he couldn't accept this aspect of him anymore than he could Endeavor's abuse of his mother. ]
Katsuki feels like a bastard and it's not even his fault!!!
[Katsuki knows what he wants to say on top of that, but that's the problem. It's a battle with himself to get the words out.
One part of him says that he shouldn't be. He didn't fucking ask for this, and Touya refused to let him get the chance for another choice. This is all on that bastard. He is the one who went and fucking disappointed his little brother, he is the one who couldn't fucking let go of the past. He is the one who killed someone completely uninvolved in their shit. Just had to get his goddamn revenge, at ANY cost, and for what?! Just for them to wash up again and go on their separate ways like nothing ever happened at all?!
It has to be that way. Katsuki fucking hates it, but it has to. If anyone does anything to Dabi for what he did, its just going to set the cycle and then what? Izuku asked about stopping him and making sure it never happens again, but what the fuck are they even going to do? Lock him up somewhere? Even if they found a way to do that, Shigaraki would get involved. Toga would get involved. And then suddenly, they're at fucking war again.
It can't happen. Nothing can happen.
And that pisses Katsuki off. So fucking much. No, he just gets to sit here and let the fact that a woman died because of him just weigh on his shoulders. Gets to watch as his friends work their way through grief and anger and the realization that there is nothing any of them can do to better it or change things.
It's all shit. And it is his fault in some ways. If he had been strong enough to resist Trench and it's madness in the first place... then none of them would be here.]
I'm sorry.
no subject
Shouto looks down at the apology with somber eyes. It feels more like a curse than amends. ]
You didn't do anything wrong.