swellter: (Calm: Quirk)
🔥 тσ∂σяσкι ѕнσυтσ ❄️ ([personal profile] swellter) wrote2020-05-06 09:07 pm
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likethelight: (350)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-02 09:38 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Finally, a breath of slight relief that he understood it maybe a little. He lets their hands drop back down even if he doesn't let go, letting his fingers stay hooked around Shouto's as he settles back against the wall a little.

He looks at him gently but also a little somberly. More tired than relieved, honestly. ]


Or something like that.
likethelight: (824)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-02 10:10 pm (UTC)(link)
No. [ At no point has Shouto ever tried to hide anything from him, it doesn't seem in his character. To the point where even Allen feels guilty keeping some benign white lie to himself. It's not that; he never thought it was and likely never will.

He reaches for him, and figuring Shouto might resist that right now just touches the side of his face gently. His head tipping to the side as his eyes hood thoughtfully, and his voice drops a little and becomes softer. ]


But I thought you were being too hard on yourself and trying to handle it on your own.
Edited 2023-01-02 22:11 (UTC)
likethelight: (158)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-02 10:49 pm (UTC)(link)
[ That flinch hurts and Allen bites the inside of his lip for a moment, but stays where he is. Hesitating, before he slowly lets his palm contour gently to Shouto's cheek with a loving kind of tenderness when he doesn't pull fully away. ]

I know. And that's okay.

[ He sits up a little more, still speaking softly. ]

I think I just misunderstood what you meant by it. I'm sorry. [ You never had to change-- ]

I just wanted you to know it doesn't have to be something that's only on your shoulders anymore.
Edited 2023-01-02 22:52 (UTC)
likethelight: (281)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-02 11:33 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Allen blinks at that actually, startled not that he turns his head away (that stings), or even at being refuted-- but that question. Not because it's phrased so bluntly, that's just who Shouto is, but--

He falters a little, this time being the one leaning back slightly and looking confused. Hesitant. ]


I just said...

[ Did he... not believe him? Because how could he be more precise than how he just was? ]
likethelight: (233)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-02 11:50 pm (UTC)(link)
No.

[ That answer comes more immediately and in a soft tone. And he leans in a little to look at him with a gentle but earnest expression, his eyes so very solemn, even if he doesn't move to touch him this time.

Silly. He said just said, didn't he? ]


That I just want you to know it doesn't have to all be on your shoulders.

[ It's all he ever meant. ]
likethelight: (477)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-03 12:41 am (UTC)(link)
[ Do you actually though? Not even five minutes ago you basically said you didn't know how you even would go about doing this with someone, but he holds his tongue. Even if you!!! are so!!! frustrating sometimes!!! But it isn't the time or place, and he's too emotionally drained and stung when it's something that obviously just keeps bruising Shouto's heart anyway.

And regardless, the one he's actually frustrated with is himself.

Miserably, Allen pulls his knees up and crosses his arms around them so he can bury his face into them and wish for Tim to hug. Aaahhh, he hates this. ]


Please just forget I said anything. I've messed up enough. [ It's slightly muffled. ]
likethelight: (158)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-03 01:51 am (UTC)(link)
[ He didn't pull back, he leaned back very slightly in surprise; there's a huge difference. Feeling the thin mattress shift though, he hugs his knees a bit tighter in frustration. The blanket being dropped onto his shoulder makes him blink and look up at Shouto though, a little surprised. Trying to catch his expression, to try and read anything into it, but his words--

He goes a little still at the pit that leaves in his stomach, even if he blinks a quickly again a second time and swallows to keep his composure in the microsecond before his expression would otherwise drop. Then you didn't really hear him at all, otherwise that's an incredibly cruel thing to say. But he doesn't say that, just reigns it in and looks up at him with a neutral, gentle expression and quiet eyes so pale and clear they're almost moon-white. That flicker and take in the hand near his face, his form, his posture, before settling finally on his mismatched eyes.

I want to reach out and hold you so bad-- I want you to hold me right now so bad, but...

He just reaches up to hook a single finger around Shouto's in a quiet, so very delicate manner. Easy to brush off. ]


Please don't promise such a sad thing.
Edited 2023-01-03 01:52 (UTC)
likethelight: (487)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-03 12:56 pm (UTC)(link)
[ What you're doing to yourself is sad too, but he doesn't say that either. Just meets his gaze quietly while he tries to search for something, but finds nothing. But you're still distressed, aren't you, you just aren't showing it. Expressions can turn off like that but emotions can't; they can only be buried. Something Allen is all too personally familiar with, even if he has done it in an entirely different manner; burying pain behind a smile.

Should he bury those feelings again if this is what they cause? No... he swore he wouldn't, at least not with Shouto; couldn't live with himself if he did. So he just lets his eyes close then, and pulls on that connection very gently to press his temple lightly against the side of Shouto's hand like someone taking solace in even such a small and simple thing.

Or trying to lend support. ]


Words can be sad too.
Edited 2023-01-03 13:08 (UTC)
likethelight: (101)

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[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-05 07:01 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Well that catches him entirely off-guard and makes Allen's expression just drop entirely in surprise, almost comically so. He blinks, sitting up straighter immediately. ]

Shouto... [ He begins but then falters, blinking again a few more times as he's momentarily tongue-tied. The sudden swing in emotion, and asking him what he's doing?

He stares at that, trying to work through it-- ]
likethelight: (163)

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[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-05 07:02 pm (UTC)(link)
[ To the point where he's entirely blindsided when tears suddenly well in his own eyes, and that overflow before he's caught them. ]

Ah... damn. [ The rare out-loud swear, said softly under his breath as he reaches to swipe at his eyes. Like he's trying to scatter the tears before Shouto can see them. ]

I just wanted you to be happy too, but then I said something that made mess of that for no good reason. [ Usually he's so good at that too. Not upsetting other people as best he can, making them feel at ease. Knowing what to not say as much as what to say. But then... he does that by burying himself and putting on whatever face the situation demands. Being disingenuous with his feelings to be as genuine as possible in his caring. Something he's trying really hard not to do. ]

To the point where you feel you have to stay so far away... that I can't feel you anymore.

[ Except right now, looking at him with such naked worry. And it makes him scrub again at the tears with the heels of his palms in a renewed effort to try and make them stop. Hard, mad at himself even if his voice is still soft with anguish. But they keep coming. ]

Sorry... I'm sorry, I really hate it...
likethelight: (342)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-10 05:12 am (UTC)(link)
[ In the wrong? Maybe neither of them are. It's that or both of them are. Because he doesn't see Shouto as such, even if he is frustrated. But it isn't fair that Allen let his own emotions blindside him to this kind of degree, not when they're something that will only distress someone he cares about. He's never been that kind of person. Swore he wouldn't. It's selfish. And it's why they're the only kind of tears he tries to scatter and smother so quickly, not out of some deadheaded reason like "boys don't cry" but because I don't want to cause you any more distress.

It's why people observant of him have always called him lonely even when he smiles in the middle of a crowd. And an idiot.

He forces himself to suck in a wet breath. Shouto's voice, not so distant and standoffish, helping to anchor him this time. The chastisement isn't an unfamiliar one. ]


Heh... [ It's humorless. A small, wry little sound. Still crying, but it's easing up. His shoulders becoming looser, and he scrubs at his cheek that's still wet. Looks up with a wincing sort of smile that's tacked together. ]

That's telling someone "you're wrong" a lot for saying they're not wrong.

[ He says it softly. Not in a contrary sort of way, but emotionally tired. ]
Edited 2023-01-10 05:13 (UTC)
likethelight: (14)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-13 07:18 am (UTC)(link)
[ Allen breathes out in the pause, long and a little shaky as he finally finds his center again. Wipes the last of the tears from his eyes and this time they stay dry. It's... so much harder than he would have thought. Trying to walk the tightrope of being more honest and open with his feelings and both not being blindsided by them, but... also not bruising someone else with them.

It's so hard. But he shakes his head lightly. ]


No, I don't. [ Even if his voice is still soft and a little lower from crying, it's immediate and certain. That's the opposite of anything he'd want. His eyes snag for a moment on Shouto's hands, starting to reach towards them before he halts himself. Fingers curling lightly into his palm. ]

And I know you didn't. [ Said more softly. ] I know you might want to back away too, but...

[ Allen looks up finally to try and meet his eyes, biting his lower lip lightly as he worries at it. Grey eyes soft and clear, even if still wet. Hesitant and cautiously hopeful. Heart breaking at how Shouto is holding himself and looking so steadfastly down, but he keeps it to himself. ]

Can I hold you instead?

[ Because I think we both need it, even when you feel so walled off. ]
likethelight: (70)

[personal profile] likethelight 2023-01-13 04:52 pm (UTC)(link)
[ This is why he said he isn't the same as your mother. It'd take a fool not to realize this strong a reaction is coming from something so very, very deeply seated and beyond just what's happening in this moment.

The nod is enough. No, even more than that-- such a small and muted response prompts a larger one from Allen, and whether Shouto was still standing or sitting again he reaches out swiftly and smoothly to pull him bodily close as possible. With a gentle but threadbare sort of desperation, whether it's by rising up onto his knees even as he pulls him down against his own thin frame or climbing up into his lap again to press them close again. His fingers run through the short hairs at the back of his neck, threading there softly in a familiar and comforting way.

Why are you always punishing yourself so much?

He doesn't say that though. Just presses his face against his neck and breathes out softly in relief, body relaxing as some of the tension bleeds off. Breathes in the smell of him he's come to find comforting, and nuzzles lightly at him as he speaks in a gentle voice. Delicate but certain. ]


Hug me back too.
Edited 2023-01-13 16:57 (UTC)

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