INBOX for deercountry

[swellter]

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[likethelight]

[ Does he feel--? Allen blinks and looks up at that, a little surprised. ]

Eh? No, not at all. [ A little guilty, sure, but that's different. Allen's default state has generally been feeling lonely, so he certainly knows it when he doesn't feel that way. It's probably been the biggest adjustment of them all, and he pats Shouto hand very quickly to try and emphasize his adamancy. ]

I just mean it shouldn't have to be something you have to do by yourself.

[swellter]

[ His brows crease not quite connecting with that line of thinking. Feelings were mutually exclusive to the owner. How he felt about something, about someone originated from him alone. ]

How do I...

[ Share? No, that's not what they're talking about. Work? Not quite right but closer. ]

Work with someone else?

[likethelight]

Mm, well...

[ That's... a good question? Allen's quiet for a moment as he considers that, something he also does not have a track record of doing at all. He's always figured himself and his emotions out entirely on his own. That's fine. And if Shouto were just his friend, he'd leave him to his privacy of figuring himself out on his own while making sure he knew he was here if he wanted him. But this, whatever they are...

...it changes things. It changes him because because he holds a relationship like this up on such a high pedestal that the way he's always done things and conducted himself in a secretive, loner kind of way despite how many people he's already surrounded by—it would be wrong to continue like that. His actions no longer affect just him, and nor do Shouto's. It's why the other reason he'd blocked out any idea of any sort of relationship beyond friendship was precisely because of that: placing such a high set of expectations on himself in any sort of hypothetical that it was always just out of the question.

I'm trying to do better too, and his expression gentles as he becomes quite thoughtful. Looks down at their hands. ]

...For me, when I'm trying to figure something out about a situation or myself... I usually talk to Tim about it. It doesn't matter if he can't say anything back. Just hearing the words out loud and having someone who'll be supportive no matter what can help.

[ Were Timcanpy still out, he'd perk up and be watching quite closely. But he is not, staying deep within Allen's chest like a shield around his heart. But where he does watch so very quietly and solemnly. ]

So I think, being able to talk to someone like that who could listen, who knows me and who might be able to give a different perspective to see things from too...

[ He looks up at Shouto. Meets his eyes directly, grey to grey and teal, and clasps his hands as he speaks softly but earnestly. ]

That wouldn't hurt, would it?

[swellter]

I talk to Kizu.

[ It's the first time he's said it out loud. The shifting waters of their relationship to what it once was when the two of them worked together as one instead of the one-sided pull that's defined their relationship for some time. Once he would go to her for advice to gain insight into his feelings. Lately, it was Shouto who would question her about hers.

Do you like playing? Do you like Tim? Do you like Wolf? Allen? Touya? Midoriya? Ochako? Bakugou?

It was a surprise to him when he realized he never asked her for her opinion on matters of the heart before going against her intuition when it came to Touya and Allen. As a cub, she was no longer an advisor but a soundboard, mirroring his heart exactly without any insights of her own. ]

She doesn't criticize you or my brother anymore.

[ He may have walked in on them talking. Well, Shouto talking, Kizu looking up at him with curious eyes before running off, distracted by something more interesting. Lately, she's less prone to go running off listening to him to the end with a lot less mauling of their shoes. ]

Unless you mean I should talk to someone else besides her?

[likethelight]

[ Hold on. Wait. That-- "Anymore..."

Allen wrinkles nose slightly, but lets it go. She had been kind of critical of him when he spoke to her too. But not meanly, so... He just smiles lightly at Shouto's question instead. Gentle and demure in manner, hesitating in a way that's a little shy as he lets his gaze drop aside. ]

I meant me.

[swellter]

[ A slight frown mars his mouth. ]

I do talk to you.

[ Then tacks on: ] The most.

[likethelight]

[ It's sweet, but Allen lets out a slight exhale at that. The slight exasperation that he lets go as quickly as it comes, and that he follows up by lifting up their hands. So that he can touch his lips to the tips of Shouto's fingertips in a very chaste ghost of a kiss. ]

Then don't just say something like "I'll work on it" when it isn't just on you.

[swellter]

[ The frown deepens, not at all appeased by the ghost of a kiss.

Start making sense. ]

I don't see what's wrong. I'm not saying I won't talk to you.

[likethelight]

[ He's trying to let it go so just let him why don't you!! But that look just gets a rather dryly raised eyebrow from Allen as he considers that. Stares levelly right back at him over the tops of their hands like a card player might over his own spread hand. ]

If I told you I didn't know how I felt about you, how I was worried I might hurt you in the future, and it was something that clearly upset me but I just told you it's okay, it's something that I and I alone would figure out--

[ That artfully raised eyebrow quirks slightly. ]

How would that make you feel?

[swellter]

[ You're trying to let it go. He's trying to understand. If he didn't care then he wouldn't be so adamant about understanding what he's getting at. Except, when you say it like that... Oh. The frown melts away replaced by a cautious look of someone who just realized something and isn't quite sure how to approach the matter. ]

... Like you were hiding something.

[likethelight]

[ Finally, a breath of slight relief that he understood it maybe a little. He lets their hands drop back down even if he doesn't let go, letting his fingers stay hooked around Shouto's as he settles back against the wall a little.

He looks at him gently but also a little somberly. More tired than relieved, honestly. ]

Or something like that.

[swellter]

Did you think I was hiding something from you?

[ Is that what you were trying to tell me?

He's staring now, not the benign look he usually prescribed to him out of thoughtless curiosity but one transcribed by a hint of wariness. This time when another frown pulls at his mouth it's self-absorbed and directed at himself. ]

[likethelight]

No. [ At no point has Shouto ever tried to hide anything from him, it doesn't seem in his character. To the point where even Allen feels guilty keeping some benign white lie to himself. It's not that; he never thought it was and likely never will.

He reaches for him, and figuring Shouto might resist that right now just touches the side of his face gently. His head tipping to the side as his eyes hood thoughtfully, and his voice drops a little and becomes softer. ]

But I thought you were being too hard on yourself and trying to handle it on your own.

[swellter]

[ The moment Allen reaches for him, Shouto jerks almost instinctively before stopping himself mid-movement resisting the urge to pull away at the touch of his cheek when runs counterintuitive to what he wants.

Don't be kind to me when you're sad. ]

I'm not doing anything different than I have from the start.

[ If anything, he spoke more to him than he ever had in the past. That's where the disconnect comes from, why he can't understand his concern.

I thought I was doing better. ]

[likethelight]

[ That flinch hurts and Allen bites the inside of his lip for a moment, but stays where he is. Hesitating, before he slowly lets his palm contour gently to Shouto's cheek with a loving kind of tenderness when he doesn't pull fully away. ]

I know. And that's okay.

[ He sits up a little more, still speaking softly. ]

I think I just misunderstood what you meant by it. I'm sorry. [ You never had to change-- ]

I just wanted you to know it doesn't have to be something that's only on your shoulders anymore.

[swellter]

No.

[ He gently turns his chin to the side, ignoring the way his fingers slide off his cheek. This time, he wouldn't accept his kindness while he tried to apologize for voicing his concern. ]

I don't think it is okay.

[ Locking eyes with him, Shouto finds comfort in the knowledge that he was setting them back on equal footing, steeling himself from his own need to pull him into his arms. ]

Tell me, what it is you want exactly. Not 'something' or 'someone'. Or other vague terms that don't mean anything to me.

[ He reaches across the aisle to set his hands over his. ]

What is it that you want from me?

[likethelight]

[ Allen blinks at that actually, startled not that he turns his head away (that stings), or even at being refuted-- but that question. Not because it's phrased so bluntly, that's just who Shouto is, but--

He falters a little, this time being the one leaning back slightly and looking confused. Hesitant. ]

I just said...

[ Did he... not believe him? Because how could he be more precise than how he just was? ]

[swellter]

[ The moment Allen pulls back, looking confused, Shouto too stops midway through the gesture. There's a moment of silence before he retracts, setting his arm down next to him and focusing on the fabric of the bedding instead. ]

To talk to you more.




That's vague.

[likethelight]

No.

[ That answer comes more immediately and in a soft tone. And he leans in a little to look at him with a gentle but earnest expression, his eyes so very solemn, even if he doesn't move to touch him this time.

Silly. He said just said, didn't he? ]

That I just want you to know it doesn't have to all be on your shoulders.

[ It's all he ever meant. ]

[swellter]

[ The thing is: ]

I know that already.

[ It's the thing Midoriya taught him on the very first battlefield he used his fire offensively for the first time. He sighs to himself, straightening his back as he comes to a few realizations. ]

But I'm not showing you that or else you wouldn't think I needed to hear it.

[likethelight]

[ Do you actually though? Not even five minutes ago you basically said you didn't know how you even would go about doing this with someone, but he holds his tongue. Even if you!!! are so!!! frustrating sometimes!!! But it isn't the time or place, and he's too emotionally drained and stung when it's something that obviously just keeps bruising Shouto's heart anyway.

And regardless, the one he's actually frustrated with is himself.

Miserably, Allen pulls his knees up and crosses his arms around them so he can bury his face into them and wish for Tim to hug. Aaahhh, he hates this. ]

Please just forget I said anything. I've messed up enough. [ It's slightly muffled. ]

[swellter]

[ Waiting to know the true extent of his feelings to better navigate a relationship is different from not opening up to someone about them. At least it is to him, who needs to know himself before giving voice to what's inside. He did so anyway, despite not knowing the proper words for them because Allen asked him to. He knew he wasn't good at explaining himself when he didn't know himself, and his attempt at it ended in this.

He's not like Allen who knows how to express himself. Who has a knack for discovering how others feel and knowing how to comfort them. Shouto will never be that person. The one who can describe his feelings in any coherent way while they're still tangled up inside him when he kept them at bay for so long.

He watches Allen pull into himself. Remembers the way he pulled back. The look he gave him when he tried to touch his hand and slips out of the nook to pick up a nearby blanket. ]

I won't forget about it.

[ He drapes it over his shoulder. ]

Next time, I'll stick to things I know how to explain better.

[likethelight]

[ He didn't pull back, he leaned back very slightly in surprise; there's a huge difference. Feeling the thin mattress shift though, he hugs his knees a bit tighter in frustration. The blanket being dropped onto his shoulder makes him blink and look up at Shouto though, a little surprised. Trying to catch his expression, to try and read anything into it, but his words--

He goes a little still at the pit that leaves in his stomach, even if he blinks a quickly again a second time and swallows to keep his composure in the microsecond before his expression would otherwise drop. Then you didn't really hear him at all, otherwise that's an incredibly cruel thing to say. But he doesn't say that, just reigns it in and looks up at him with a neutral, gentle expression and quiet eyes so pale and clear they're almost moon-white. That flicker and take in the hand near his face, his form, his posture, before settling finally on his mismatched eyes.

I want to reach out and hold you so bad-- I want you to hold me right now so bad, but...

He just reaches up to hook a single finger around Shouto's in a quiet, so very delicate manner. Easy to brush off. ]

Please don't promise such a sad thing.

[swellter]

[ A monotone expression is all he'll glimpse. Carefully neutral as he sets the blanket over his shoulder. His way of avoiding further escalation. Keeping the peace from where it had spiraled into this. He doesn't avoid eye contact, keeping his gaze if he deems to hold it. There too, he'll find a set of neutral eyes, perfectly tailored by someone who learned to discard his feelings at an early age. ]

Allen. [ He keeps the delicate hold, even as he looks at him with a hint of worry. ] The only one who's sad is you.

[ And I don't know why. Only that I'm the cause of it. ]

[likethelight]

[ What you're doing to yourself is sad too, but he doesn't say that either. Just meets his gaze quietly while he tries to search for something, but finds nothing. But you're still distressed, aren't you, you just aren't showing it. Expressions can turn off like that but emotions can't; they can only be buried. Something Allen is all too personally familiar with, even if he has done it in an entirely different manner; burying pain behind a smile.

Should he bury those feelings again if this is what they cause? No... he swore he wouldn't, at least not with Shouto; couldn't live with himself if he did. So he just lets his eyes close then, and pulls on that connection very gently to press his temple lightly against the side of Shouto's hand like someone taking solace in even such a small and simple thing.

Or trying to lend support. ]

Words can be sad too.