[ Ah, his brother. Something Allen knew had to weigh frequently on him, but didn't want to pry about either. He listens quietly, offering his support with that gentle squeeze, and smiling faintly when Shouto mentions the koi. Mention of himself, of themselves-- his expression flickers a little shyly, eyes dipping self-consciously to the side.
His father... ah, it isn't the first time he's expressed that sort of fear. When stuck in that dreamworld (or was it more real than that?) that mirrored Allen's past he'd mentioned it then too, realizing he'd maybe been superimposing his parents and their problems onto the two of them. Something that still touches on something in Allen's heart that makes him feel shy and uncertain for more than one reason, and he's quiet for a second as he processes that.
It's also the first time they've ever toed anywhere near putting any kind of actual label on this. "Relationship." Maybe that's why he feels uncertain. Not having any formative frame of reference at all, good or bad, he doesn't feel much better prepared either. And he rubs his thumb against Shouto's in an aimless pattern. ]
I think... this is part of that, isn't it? [ He emphasizes his point by squeezing his hand lightly and trying to catch his eye, his own expression gentle and serious. ]
Someone told me that it's better to be honest with that person about your feelings than keep them to yourself... I think probably that refers to things like this too. [ That's why the idea of using even a white lie around you is nearly unthinkable, you know? When Allen defaults to them so much of the time with most people he doesn't even realizing he's doing it half the time.
Well, unless it's in discussing the nature of things he's tried to cook. Although now Allen might soundly rattle off that yes, they're basically poison. But it really depends. If he's the only potential casualty he'd probably still try to stomach it with a weak smile and be encouraging. ]
A relationship means supporting each other, and we can't know how to do that if we don't know what's weighing on them. Not just how we feel about each other, but being there for the personal struggles too.
[ He hesitates, but then leans against Shouto gently. Sides pressed together and shoulder to shoulder, like he's trying to shore him up. His eyes drift down to where their hands are clasped, and he takes a thoughtful pause. ]
I think... that's why I wanted to know too. What you've been thinking about. When I know you had to be considering that a lot with your brother, but I didn't know how to help.
[ He keeps staring up ahead, his thoughts taking him back to his early childhood when he was helpless to help the tears of the person he loved most in the world. The gentle squeeze of his hand brings him back to the present and he turns his head to the side and down to stare at their joined hands, squeezing back firmly.
Sorry. I'm here now.
He takes a deep breath. Rationalizing his fear back to the shadows from where it crept and leans over to settle his head against his, white and red meeting in secret collusion to chase off the heavy thoughts that seem to snag their attention tonight.
The heavy thoughts loosen their hold on him, yet fail to leave him alone completely.It creeps nearby, at the corner of his thoughts, impressing upon him the one thing that's always held him back. ]
I don't know how I feel about you.
[ He admits. ]
It's hard to find the right words. It changes too much. Sometimes, I don't want to let you go and sometimes that's all I want to do. I'm not afraid of hurting you with my quirk like I once was. I worked hard to fix that.
[ He goes quiet after that, his thoughts elsewhere once more, while his thumb runs over his hand, focusing on the insignia etched on red skin. After a few moments of silence, he finally sighs. He looks down, shoulders rounding in and he resists the urge to bury his face into his neck. ]
I'm afraid I'll become complacent and hurt you one day. Not physically but here. [ He presses against his chest with his free hand. ] What weighs on me the most is that I won't know what I did. That you won't tell me until the damage is done.
[ Oh. You've been thinking so much about him, too. About them. More than Allen realized. He falters lightly at the confession, staring a little as that realization dawns until he finally forces himself to look down instead. Focuses his attention on their hands as Shouto's thumb brushes lightly along the dormant crystalline star (cross) melded into the back of his hand—and more specifically on the healing red marks on his hand Allen had left there before that are now clearly going to become scars.
His thoughts turn inward too then, and he's quiet for a moment.
Is he so blithe as to dismiss those worries because no, of course he'd never try to hide being hurt like that until it was permanent? No. He's self-aware enough to know he very much would be prone to that even if not intentionally. It's just how he is. He's done it before several times. Trying to pretend like he wouldn't again when he knows that would be like a complete and dismissive betrayal.
Being hurt is okay though--in moderation, and in the sense it's unavoidable. Sometimes it just happens when people feel strongly for each other. Love also hurts; there's no one who knows that better than Allen. It's what you do when that happens that matters. How you continue to love each other. How you try to be better.
I don't think you'll hurt me the way you seem to be afraid you might though, either. Not unless you pull away and try to wall yourself off because you think it's better that way.The only time it's felt like you have your own darkness inside you—
It's then.
Allen bites the inside of his lip slightly, looking back up. Catching Shouto's demeanor in profile, the way his shoulders hunch, how alone he looks like that, like the weight of so many unseen things from his past Allen doesn't even know are weighing him down—and his mind becomes a lot clearer then.
He lets go, reaching for Shouto's face gently with both hands. Tips his face up to look at him, and Allen smiles softly; sad-sweet and only a tiny curl of a smile from the complexities of everything he's feeling. He has a lot he wants to say, but first— ]
Come here?
[ He says it softer still, reaching to tug Shouto closer as he also shifts and begins to lean back. Thin but strong arms winding around shoulders and neck to pull him down to lie down with him, and wrapping him up in a warm and solid embrace. Sorry—
You just looked like you needed someone to hold on to. ]
[ A darkness that once started to consume him like it did his father. His brother. While placing his mother and siblings in the crossfire. He's aware of the kind of ugliness that lives inside them. It's a struggle though. Wanting to deny that part of himself while feeling deeply for those who let it consume them. Maybe that's why he seems so conflicted even this close to someone he feels for just as strongly in a different manner.
Maybe that's why he so easily yields to Allen coming down with him while keeping a hold of his hand. He settles beside him, head tucked in beneath his chin. Taking him up on his offer without hesitation. Seemingly at peace, the tight hold he keeps on his hand says otherwise. ]
[ Allen's entire existence resides in dichotomies, so his mind lingers for a moment on that. On how gentle and at-ease Shouto seems when he buries his face against his neck again and settles in, but how tightly he still holds onto his hand. He turns the disconnect over in his mind, Shouto's hair lightly tickling his nose as he's pressed his mouth against the crown of his head in an errant sort of kiss.
He exhales softly at the declaration, taking it in stride while also not relaxing either. ]
...Work on it with me instead? [ He says it softly, a bit hesitant as he irons out his thoughts. Almost sounding a little shy, actually, and his knee shifts for a moment against Shouto's with nervous energy.
This sort of thing is a lot for him, you know. Being someone who operates more like a loner. Who helps people as a solo act on his own, helps and encourages them to become independent themselves, and always ends up moving on. He's just so outwardly friendly and caring that it masks that very effectively and isn't something people normally pick up on. But thinking as a unit...
It's hard sometimes. ]
I hurt you too, because I let myself become complacent and stopped trying to understand the things inside me. Even though I should have been skeptical... I let myself believe things were different here and that was all behind me. [ A physical crossfire instead of an emotional one, but no less inexcusable. ] But the only time I've felt hurt...
It's when you've shut yourself off somewhere where I can't feel you anymore. When you become cold and hard and seem to be punishing both of us. [ For ghosts from his past, his parents, he now realizes. That night in Allen's world, and so very early on when they were first starting to understand each other when an akuma was pulled into this world. ]
Something like that... it's a suffering that only furthers itself with more suffering. [ Something Allen is so very hypersensitive to, and he says it very softly and seriously because of that. ]
Especially when I'm not your mother... and you're not your father.
[ He pauses, both to let that sink in and knowing it's such a delicate situation full of landmines. ]
I can't claim to really know anything about it when I only know what you've told me... [ and Dabi with his warped perspective, and Allen is too savvy and empathetic to pass judgements on situations and people he hasn't witnessed himself ] But... I don't accept that you could become your father. Having such a gentle heart that you're so hurt by the idea of something like this and want to work so hard against it...
[ He's quiet for a moment, fingers of his right hand sifting lighting through Shouto's hair as he holds him tenderly. ]
[ His was a heart that craved the companionship of others. Why Endeavor thought him weak. Why he trained him without remorse making sure he knew exactly why he was created. What his purpose in life would be. Why he isolated him from the rest of his 'weak' siblings. They walk a different path from you, Shouto. Endeavor forced him into a solo act when he was naturally prone to support. The abuse he suffered under his father's thumb mentally reforged him into a different person. Monotone and quiet when he was naturally expressive and curious. His feelings were too big for his small body which affected his quirk. Therefore Endeavor made sure to teach him discipline with a heavy hand. The same one he used on his mother and drove him to take on his teachings, his personality, in order to protect her, but he ended up becoming another burden for her.
Shouto... he looks more like him every day. I can't stand it.
His was a heart closer to what Allen put forth to the world. Openly kind. Sweet. With a range of expressions to get his feelings across to anyone. No one ever confused his feelings for something else. It's what first caught his attention no doubt. Someone powerful, yet gentle. Prone to helping others without expectations. An ideal hero who knew how to put people at ease. The opposite of him. Who was instrumental in driving his mother into a mental breakdown that took her a decade to recover from. Who set off people without realizing it. There's a reason why he failed his hero license exam. Why he brought out the worse in Inasa.
He stunted himself.
Body and heart.
It was easier to address his quirk. Learning to use his left side just as well as his right was a practical matter that his teachers helped him overcome. He honed his skills even further at his father's hero agency. Swallowing his pride to become stronger. Not for Endeavor, but for him.
The heart was another matter. One he still struggles to understand. It's the source of most of his mistakes and what the thinks about more deeply than any other subject. It's why he initially grapples with Allen's question finding it impossible to reconcile his recent strides forward with working with him.
Aren't matters of the heart something we have to figure out on our own? ]
[ He can work with anyone when it comes to hero work, but matters of the heart he's always had to deal with on his own. Once he sought out his mother to lessen the pain. After she was institutionalized, there was no one left to turn to. No one his father would let him see. So, he learned to bury it under ice, and when Midoriya crashed through the ice walls and ripped open his memories of the past it was an uphill battle. A trek he made on his own with the occasional helpful push from his friends. He's about to try and elaborate when Allen mentions his mother. His father.
He stills ever so slowly. A subtle shift only recognizable in their current position with Shouto in his arms. I-- His muscles grow tense and he lets his hand slip from Allen's, gently letting go. And when he speaks, his voice is quiet. Calm. Barely above a whisper, yet firm. ]
Uneasiness growing in a pit in his stomach, Allen watches him sit up before he does the same, scooting back a little so his hips are against the wall. Expression quiet but conflicted; worried. This is--
This is what he was just talking about. Don't you dare. ]
You're the one who said you had been doing that. [ He says it gently though, hesitant holding fast. Don't act put-off when he remembers something you told him you were struggling with and brings it back up in the context of wanting to help. He's just as much a part of this; you've made him that.
You also literally did that one time when you were falling asleep and not fully coherent, talking to him as if he was her in actuality. Locking the door to keep him safe. Allen might not have ever said anything about it, but he didn't forget it either. ]
Okay. Okay then... I'm sorry. [ You didn't say you've stopped seeing yourself in the light of your father though. So out of all the things he said, that's what you're focusing on?
It's as frustrating as it is depressing, but Allen pushes that down deep somewhere and reaches very gently for his hands. Not to outright clasp them, but letting his fingers fan out and brush against the sides of them. Making them easy to take and hold in return if he wants to. ]
What is it that's bothering you so much right now then?
[ He stares straight ahead across the room without making a move to clasp the offered hand, failing to notice it in the first place. Focused instead on keeping his quirk in balance before it tips in one direction as he was once prone to do. He's gotten better. A little at a time, but what Allen is pushing for-- No.
[ That answer surprises Allen actually, catching him a little off-guard. How that clicks suddenly, and his reaction makes a little more sense. Reacting so strongly and saying that...
...is it because you place her on such a high pedestal above everyone else?
Oh, his heart twists a little at that. For finding that incredibly sad. ]
Alright. [ He says it soft as vespers, letting his hands rest warmly against Shouto's. Not clasping; just there. Trying to be an anchor. ] I shouldn't have presumed about something I don't know that much about.
[ It stings to say, but is genuine and straight from the heart. It's the fine line Allen always straddles; being someone who can't stand to see others suffer and doing whatever he can to alleviate that, he also isn't like some bull that crashes around a delicate situation he doesn't understand. But sometimes people need to be saved from their own darkness even when they don't want help, when it's a private and personal matter. It's a tough balancing act; one where Allen tries to understand the situation and where everyone is emotionally before he truly acts.
That's not always possible though, and sometimes he's still just wrong. He's failed to save about as many people as he has—and usually, those he saves are so often already dead. Still-- ]
...But that's what I was trying to say before too. [ "Work on it with me instead?" ]
Isn't it better to talk to someone when you're trying to figure things like this out? [ Do as I say, not as I do. From all his experiences with others and trying to heal their hearts Allen can understand a great deal about the human condition, but applying that to himself...
He tries, but it's an even bigger struggle still. One where outside forces usually force his hand anyway. Being in a situation where that isn't constantly happening is... almost kind of bewildering, honestly. ]
Being with you means I want to be with you for that part too. When you're figuring yourself and your feelings out, because I'm figuring those out too.
The you I love is the you that struggles too, so I want to know that part. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but... I'll always want to hear it whenever you do.
[ He stays his hand, tense but still under his grasp, depicting a calm demeanor while his quirk swings from one end to the other forcing his heart to blend the two extremes at a rapid pace. The process has his heartbeat rising and his breathing picking up. The more he deviates the firmer he holds himself still, trying to find calm in a storm. Even still, he grows warm on one side and cool on the other by a few degrees. It's a testament to his training that it stays under the radar with only a difference of a few degrees considering what kind of extreme temperatures he can generate in an instant.
Despite the inner turmoil, he keeps his head clear enough to keep up with the conversation. It's not the first time he's lost his cool and it won't be the last. These days it's the one thing Shouto will shut down his brother for no matter how much he wants to find common ground, but where Touya insulted their mother it was the opposite with Allen. That's what keeps him in place, trying to make sense of his feelings and coping by concentrating on the conversation at hand. ]
You know more than anyone else.
[ More than his friends who saw Touya's recording depicting him as the perfect puppet in his father's plans. Allen glimpsed the reality of it in the nightmare world born from a demon he was too weak to expel. The truth is, he's opened up to Allen more than he has to anyone else. ]
The only one I talk to about this.
[ The only one he wanted to talk to about it. A mutual sharing of information. What Allen wanted... he didn't know what he wanted. Have him speak more? About what? Half-formed ideas? Those feelings that he had no name for but tried to catalog nonetheless? Filing them away in such simplistic categories as 'This makes me feel good' and 'This makes me feel bad'.
The confusion, at least, works in his favor, calming his inner turmoil. The pendulum swings in a manageable manner for his heart to keep up with and his temperature tempers to a single constant. No longer feeling so isolated, the tension in his muscles start to relax, feeling Allen's presence more adeptly. Maybe that's why his words catch him off guard so easily.
The you that I love...
A rush of blood flow hits his stomach uncoiling in what seems like a fluttering mess that cuts through the tension all at once. He grows nervous and shifts his hand in his hold until his fingers grasp the edge of his hand, returning the gesture.
The thing is, he was alone for so long that the mere presence of someone in his life, day in and day out. Someone who stayed with him because they wanted to was more than he ever expected from anyone including his family.
[ He might know more than anyone else, and that answer is both a little surprising as much as it is very touching actually, but... to Allen, he still doesn't really understand it. He understands what he saw through Shouto's memories and perceptions. Understood what he saw through Dabi's. Where there are similarities and differences.
In none of those did he ever see Shouto's mother either. Something he missed entirely at the time but realized later to his shock: he still has no idea what she looks like. And that really hammers it in: as much as he might understand, there are so many gaps that he also doesn't understand it at all. More and more it's obvious it's the kind of thing you'd have to witness all for itself, how everyone interacts.
Each person has their own kind of account, their own side of a story. Allen's gotten fragments from two, and he's savvy enough with this sort of thing to know it's a misleading picture it can paint, one where it's too easy to think you understand everything when you don't really. Especially when it comes to people's feelings and the nature of their bonds.
They're mistakes he's made before and isn't keen on making again. So he's just quiet at those remarks, looking thoughtful with a gentle expression on his face. But as for what Allen wants from him, it's...
Mm, he doesn't like thinking about it like that. How aggressive and insensitive it sounds. But, letting his eyes drop to their hands, that Shouto finally grasped in return... he gives a soft, weak self-deprecating laugh as he realizes his answer and his shoulders sag a little. ]
I don't really know how to put it, either... [ This really is pretty far beyond anything in Allen's realm of experience. Teetering out on ice he always kept very far away from. He rubs his thumbs along his knuckles very gently. ]
It's just, when you say "I'll work on that next"... it sounds so lonely. Especially when it's something that I'm a part of too. That I'm also trying to figure out day by day in my own way. [ His voice trails off softly, his eyes still lowered to their hands. Thoughtful. ]
I don't know what that means, other than I want to be there with you along the way.
[ His eyes find him amid the unrest coursing through him. Unsettled but in control, he tries to unravel the source of that critical laugh. The way his shoulders sag. Breaking eye contact. The length of the ongoing silence. It widens the gap between them even when they're this close. It's a familiar feeling that keeps him planted in place. Waiting for the next shoe to drop. Cautious. His grip loosens to keep him from clutching at him when he finally breaks the silence. ]
Why does it sound lonely to you?
[ He asks, genuine in his question. He knew loneliness and this wasn't it. Figuring out his feelings. Growing closer to him day by day. How could that be lonely? ]
[ Does he feel--? Allen blinks and looks up at that, a little surprised. ]
Eh? No, not at all. [ A little guilty, sure, but that's different. Allen's default state has generally been feeling lonely, so he certainly knows it when he doesn't feel that way. It's probably been the biggest adjustment of them all, and he pats Shouto hand very quickly to try and emphasize his adamancy. ]
I just mean it shouldn't have to be something you have to do by yourself.
[ His brows crease not quite connecting with that line of thinking. Feelings were mutually exclusive to the owner. How he felt about something, about someone originated from him alone. ]
How do I...
[ Share? No, that's not what they're talking about. Work? Not quite right but closer. ]
[ That's... a good question? Allen's quiet for a moment as he considers that, something he also does not have a track record of doing at all. He's always figured himself and his emotions out entirely on his own. That's fine. And if Shouto were just his friend, he'd leave him to his privacy of figuring himself out on his own while making sure he knew he was here if he wanted him. But this, whatever they are...
...it changes things. It changes him because because he holds a relationship like this up on such a high pedestal that the way he's always done things and conducted himself in a secretive, loner kind of way despite how many people he's already surrounded by—it would be wrong to continue like that. His actions no longer affect just him, and nor do Shouto's. It's why the other reason he'd blocked out any idea of any sort of relationship beyond friendship was precisely because of that: placing such a high set of expectations on himself in any sort of hypothetical that it was always just out of the question.
I'm trying to do better too, and his expression gentles as he becomes quite thoughtful. Looks down at their hands. ]
...For me, when I'm trying to figure something out about a situation or myself... I usually talk to Tim about it. It doesn't matter if he can't say anything back. Just hearing the words out loud and having someone who'll be supportive no matter what can help.
[ Were Timcanpy still out, he'd perk up and be watching quite closely. But he is not, staying deep within Allen's chest like a shield around his heart. But where he does watch so very quietly and solemnly. ]
So I think, being able to talk to someone like that who could listen, who knows me and who might be able to give a different perspective to see things from too...
[ He looks up at Shouto. Meets his eyes directly, grey to grey and teal, and clasps his hands as he speaks softly but earnestly. ]
[ It's the first time he's said it out loud. The shifting waters of their relationship to what it once was when the two of them worked together as one instead of the one-sided pull that's defined their relationship for some time. Once he would go to her for advice to gain insight into his feelings. Lately, it was Shouto who would question her about hers.
Do you like playing? Do you like Tim? Do you like Wolf? Allen? Touya? Midoriya? Ochako? Bakugou?
It was a surprise to him when he realized he never asked her for her opinion on matters of the heart before going against her intuition when it came to Touya and Allen. As a cub, she was no longer an advisor but a soundboard, mirroring his heart exactly without any insights of her own. ]
She doesn't criticize you or my brother anymore.
[ He may have walked in on them talking. Well, Shouto talking, Kizu looking up at him with curious eyes before running off, distracted by something more interesting. Lately, she's less prone to go running off listening to him to the end with a lot less mauling of their shoes. ]
Unless you mean I should talk to someone else besides her?
Allen wrinkles nose slightly, but lets it go. She had been kind of critical of him when he spoke to her too. But not meanly, so... He just smiles lightly at Shouto's question instead. Gentle and demure in manner, hesitating in a way that's a little shy as he lets his gaze drop aside. ]
[ It's sweet, but Allen lets out a slight exhale at that. The slight exasperation that he lets go as quickly as it comes, and that he follows up by lifting up their hands. So that he can touch his lips to the tips of Shouto's fingertips in a very chaste ghost of a kiss. ]
Then don't just say something like "I'll work on it" when it isn't just on you.
[ He's trying to let it go so just let him why don't you!! But that look just gets a rather dryly raised eyebrow from Allen as he considers that. Stares levelly right back at him over the tops of their hands like a card player might over his own spread hand. ]
If I told you I didn't know how I felt about you, how I was worried I might hurt you in the future, and it was something that clearly upset me but I just told you it's okay, it's something that I and I alone would figure out--
[ You're trying to let it go. He's trying to understand. If he didn't care then he wouldn't be so adamant about understanding what he's getting at. Except, when you say it like that... Oh. The frown melts away replaced by a cautious look of someone who just realized something and isn't quite sure how to approach the matter. ]
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no subject
His father... ah, it isn't the first time he's expressed that sort of fear. When stuck in that dreamworld (or was it more real than that?) that mirrored Allen's past he'd mentioned it then too, realizing he'd maybe been superimposing his parents and their problems onto the two of them. Something that still touches on something in Allen's heart that makes him feel shy and uncertain for more than one reason, and he's quiet for a second as he processes that.
It's also the first time they've ever toed anywhere near putting any kind of actual label on this. "Relationship." Maybe that's why he feels uncertain. Not having any formative frame of reference at all, good or bad, he doesn't feel much better prepared either. And he rubs his thumb against Shouto's in an aimless pattern. ]
I think... this is part of that, isn't it? [ He emphasizes his point by squeezing his hand lightly and trying to catch his eye, his own expression gentle and serious. ]
Someone told me that it's better to be honest with that person about your feelings than keep them to yourself... I think probably that refers to things like this too. [ That's why the idea of using even a white lie around you is nearly unthinkable, you know? When Allen defaults to them so much of the time with most people he doesn't even realizing he's doing it half the time.
Well, unless it's in discussing the nature of things he's tried to cook. Although now Allen might soundly rattle off that yes, they're basically poison. But it really depends. If he's the only potential casualty he'd probably still try to stomach it with a weak smile and be encouraging. ]
A relationship means supporting each other, and we can't know how to do that if we don't know what's weighing on them. Not just how we feel about each other, but being there for the personal struggles too.
[ He hesitates, but then leans against Shouto gently. Sides pressed together and shoulder to shoulder, like he's trying to shore him up. His eyes drift down to where their hands are clasped, and he takes a thoughtful pause. ]
I think... that's why I wanted to know too. What you've been thinking about. When I know you had to be considering that a lot with your brother, but I didn't know how to help.
no subject
Sorry. I'm here now.
He takes a deep breath. Rationalizing his fear back to the shadows from where it crept and leans over to settle his head against his, white and red meeting in secret collusion to chase off the heavy thoughts that seem to snag their attention tonight.
The heavy thoughts loosen their hold on him, yet fail to leave him alone completely.It creeps nearby, at the corner of his thoughts, impressing upon him the one thing that's always held him back. ]
I don't know how I feel about you.
[ He admits. ]
It's hard to find the right words. It changes too much. Sometimes, I don't want to let you go and sometimes that's all I want to do. I'm not afraid of hurting you with my quirk like I once was. I worked hard to fix that.
[ He goes quiet after that, his thoughts elsewhere once more, while his thumb runs over his hand, focusing on the insignia etched on red skin. After a few moments of silence, he finally sighs. He looks down, shoulders rounding in and he resists the urge to bury his face into his neck. ]
I'm afraid I'll become complacent and hurt you one day. Not physically but here. [ He presses against his chest with his free hand. ] What weighs on me the most is that I won't know what I did. That you won't tell me until the damage is done.
no subject
His thoughts turn inward too then, and he's quiet for a moment.
Is he so blithe as to dismiss those worries because no, of course he'd never try to hide being hurt like that until it was permanent? No. He's self-aware enough to know he very much would be prone to that even if not intentionally. It's just how he is. He's done it before several times. Trying to pretend like he wouldn't again when he knows that would be like a complete and dismissive betrayal.
Being hurt is okay though--in moderation, and in the sense it's unavoidable. Sometimes it just happens when people feel strongly for each other. Love also hurts; there's no one who knows that better than Allen. It's what you do when that happens that matters. How you continue to love each other. How you try to be better.
I don't think you'll hurt me the way you seem to be afraid you might though, either. Not unless you pull away and try to wall yourself off because you think it's better that way.The only time it's felt like you have your own darkness inside you—
It's then.
Allen bites the inside of his lip slightly, looking back up. Catching Shouto's demeanor in profile, the way his shoulders hunch, how alone he looks like that, like the weight of so many unseen things from his past Allen doesn't even know are weighing him down—and his mind becomes a lot clearer then.
He lets go, reaching for Shouto's face gently with both hands. Tips his face up to look at him, and Allen smiles softly; sad-sweet and only a tiny curl of a smile from the complexities of everything he's feeling. He has a lot he wants to say, but first— ]
Come here?
[ He says it softer still, reaching to tug Shouto closer as he also shifts and begins to lean back. Thin but strong arms winding around shoulders and neck to pull him down to lie down with him, and wrapping him up in a warm and solid embrace. Sorry—
You just looked like you needed someone to hold on to. ]
no subject
Maybe that's why he so easily yields to Allen coming down with him while keeping a hold of his hand. He settles beside him, head tucked in beneath his chin. Taking him up on his offer without hesitation. Seemingly at peace, the tight hold he keeps on his hand says otherwise. ]
I'll work on that next.
no subject
He exhales softly at the declaration, taking it in stride while also not relaxing either. ]
...Work on it with me instead? [ He says it softly, a bit hesitant as he irons out his thoughts. Almost sounding a little shy, actually, and his knee shifts for a moment against Shouto's with nervous energy.
This sort of thing is a lot for him, you know. Being someone who operates more like a loner. Who helps people as a solo act on his own, helps and encourages them to become independent themselves, and always ends up moving on. He's just so outwardly friendly and caring that it masks that very effectively and isn't something people normally pick up on. But thinking as a unit...
It's hard sometimes. ]
I hurt you too, because I let myself become complacent and stopped trying to understand the things inside me. Even though I should have been skeptical... I let myself believe things were different here and that was all behind me. [ A physical crossfire instead of an emotional one, but no less inexcusable. ] But the only time I've felt hurt...
It's when you've shut yourself off somewhere where I can't feel you anymore. When you become cold and hard and seem to be punishing both of us. [ For ghosts from his past, his parents, he now realizes. That night in Allen's world, and so very early on when they were first starting to understand each other when an akuma was pulled into this world. ]
Something like that... it's a suffering that only furthers itself with more suffering. [ Something Allen is so very hypersensitive to, and he says it very softly and seriously because of that. ]
Especially when I'm not your mother... and you're not your father.
[ He pauses, both to let that sink in and knowing it's such a delicate situation full of landmines. ]
I can't claim to really know anything about it when I only know what you've told me... [ and Dabi with his warped perspective, and Allen is too savvy and empathetic to pass judgements on situations and people he hasn't witnessed himself ] But... I don't accept that you could become your father. Having such a gentle heart that you're so hurt by the idea of something like this and want to work so hard against it...
[ He's quiet for a moment, fingers of his right hand sifting lighting through Shouto's hair as he holds him tenderly. ]
Doesn't that sound more like her?
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Shouto... he looks more like him every day. I can't stand it.
His was a heart closer to what Allen put forth to the world. Openly kind. Sweet. With a range of expressions to get his feelings across to anyone. No one ever confused his feelings for something else. It's what first caught his attention no doubt. Someone powerful, yet gentle. Prone to helping others without expectations. An ideal hero who knew how to put people at ease. The opposite of him. Who was instrumental in driving his mother into a mental breakdown that took her a decade to recover from. Who set off people without realizing it. There's a reason why he failed his hero license exam. Why he brought out the worse in Inasa.
He stunted himself.
Body and heart.
It was easier to address his quirk. Learning to use his left side just as well as his right was a practical matter that his teachers helped him overcome. He honed his skills even further at his father's hero agency. Swallowing his pride to become stronger. Not for Endeavor, but for him.
The heart was another matter. One he still struggles to understand. It's the source of most of his mistakes and what the thinks about more deeply than any other subject. It's why he initially grapples with Allen's question finding it impossible to reconcile his recent strides forward with working with him.
Aren't matters of the heart something we have to figure out on our own? ]
... How would that work?
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He stills ever so slowly. A subtle shift only recognizable in their current position with Shouto in his arms. I-- His muscles grow tense and he lets his hand slip from Allen's, gently letting go. And when he speaks, his voice is quiet. Calm. Barely above a whisper, yet firm. ]
I know you're not.
[ He sits up, cool to the touch. ]
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Uneasiness growing in a pit in his stomach, Allen watches him sit up before he does the same, scooting back a little so his hips are against the wall. Expression quiet but conflicted; worried. This is--
This is what he was just talking about. Don't you dare. ]
You're the one who said you had been doing that. [ He says it gently though, hesitant holding fast. Don't act put-off when he remembers something you told him you were struggling with and brings it back up in the context of wanting to help. He's just as much a part of this; you've made him that.
You also literally did that one time when you were falling asleep and not fully coherent, talking to him as if he was her in actuality. Locking the door to keep him safe. Allen might not have ever said anything about it, but he didn't forget it either. ]
Before, in Edinburgh.
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I stopped.
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Okay. Okay then... I'm sorry. [ You didn't say you've stopped seeing yourself in the light of your father though. So out of all the things he said, that's what you're focusing on?
It's as frustrating as it is depressing, but Allen pushes that down deep somewhere and reaches very gently for his hands. Not to outright clasp them, but letting his fingers fan out and brush against the sides of them. Making them easy to take and hold in return if he wants to. ]
What is it that's bothering you so much right now then?
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He can't accept it, not yet. ]
I'm not like her and neither are you.
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...is it because you place her on such a high pedestal above everyone else?
Oh, his heart twists a little at that. For finding that incredibly sad. ]
Alright. [ He says it soft as vespers, letting his hands rest warmly against Shouto's. Not clasping; just there. Trying to be an anchor. ] I shouldn't have presumed about something I don't know that much about.
[ It stings to say, but is genuine and straight from the heart. It's the fine line Allen always straddles; being someone who can't stand to see others suffer and doing whatever he can to alleviate that, he also isn't like some bull that crashes around a delicate situation he doesn't understand. But sometimes people need to be saved from their own darkness even when they don't want help, when it's a private and personal matter. It's a tough balancing act; one where Allen tries to understand the situation and where everyone is emotionally before he truly acts.
That's not always possible though, and sometimes he's still just wrong. He's failed to save about as many people as he has—and usually, those he saves are so often already dead. Still-- ]
...But that's what I was trying to say before too. [ "Work on it with me instead?" ]
Isn't it better to talk to someone when you're trying to figure things like this out? [ Do as I say, not as I do. From all his experiences with others and trying to heal their hearts Allen can understand a great deal about the human condition, but applying that to himself...
He tries, but it's an even bigger struggle still. One where outside forces usually force his hand anyway. Being in a situation where that isn't constantly happening is... almost kind of bewildering, honestly. ]
Being with you means I want to be with you for that part too. When you're figuring yourself and your feelings out, because I'm figuring those out too.
The you I love is the you that struggles too, so I want to know that part. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but... I'll always want to hear it whenever you do.
[ Now he squeezes his hands. Very gently. ]
That way we aren't alone in it, right?
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Despite the inner turmoil, he keeps his head clear enough to keep up with the conversation. It's not the first time he's lost his cool and it won't be the last. These days it's the one thing Shouto will shut down his brother for no matter how much he wants to find common ground, but where Touya insulted their mother it was the opposite with Allen. That's what keeps him in place, trying to make sense of his feelings and coping by concentrating on the conversation at hand. ]
You know more than anyone else.
[ More than his friends who saw Touya's recording depicting him as the perfect puppet in his father's plans. Allen glimpsed the reality of it in the nightmare world born from a demon he was too weak to expel. The truth is, he's opened up to Allen more than he has to anyone else. ]
The only one I talk to about this.
[ The only one he wanted to talk to about it. A mutual sharing of information. What Allen wanted... he didn't know what he wanted. Have him speak more? About what? Half-formed ideas? Those feelings that he had no name for but tried to catalog nonetheless? Filing them away in such simplistic categories as 'This makes me feel good' and 'This makes me feel bad'.
The confusion, at least, works in his favor, calming his inner turmoil. The pendulum swings in a manageable manner for his heart to keep up with and his temperature tempers to a single constant. No longer feeling so isolated, the tension in his muscles start to relax, feeling Allen's presence more adeptly. Maybe that's why his words catch him off guard so easily.
The you that I love...
A rush of blood flow hits his stomach uncoiling in what seems like a fluttering mess that cuts through the tension all at once. He grows nervous and shifts his hand in his hold until his fingers grasp the edge of his hand, returning the gesture.
The thing is, he was alone for so long that the mere presence of someone in his life, day in and day out. Someone who stayed with him because they wanted to was more than he ever expected from anyone including his family.
The truth of the matter is: ]
I don't feel alone when you're here.
But I also, don't know what you want from me.
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In none of those did he ever see Shouto's mother either. Something he missed entirely at the time but realized later to his shock: he still has no idea what she looks like. And that really hammers it in: as much as he might understand, there are so many gaps that he also doesn't understand it at all. More and more it's obvious it's the kind of thing you'd have to witness all for itself, how everyone interacts.
Each person has their own kind of account, their own side of a story. Allen's gotten fragments from two, and he's savvy enough with this sort of thing to know it's a misleading picture it can paint, one where it's too easy to think you understand everything when you don't really. Especially when it comes to people's feelings and the nature of their bonds.
They're mistakes he's made before and isn't keen on making again. So he's just quiet at those remarks, looking thoughtful with a gentle expression on his face. But as for what Allen wants from him, it's...
Mm, he doesn't like thinking about it like that. How aggressive and insensitive it sounds. But, letting his eyes drop to their hands, that Shouto finally grasped in return... he gives a soft, weak self-deprecating laugh as he realizes his answer and his shoulders sag a little. ]
I don't really know how to put it, either... [ This really is pretty far beyond anything in Allen's realm of experience. Teetering out on ice he always kept very far away from. He rubs his thumbs along his knuckles very gently. ]
It's just, when you say "I'll work on that next"... it sounds so lonely. Especially when it's something that I'm a part of too. That I'm also trying to figure out day by day in my own way. [ His voice trails off softly, his eyes still lowered to their hands. Thoughtful. ]
I don't know what that means, other than I want to be there with you along the way.
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Why does it sound lonely to you?
[ He asks, genuine in his question. He knew loneliness and this wasn't it. Figuring out his feelings. Growing closer to him day by day. How could that be lonely? ]
Do you... feel lonely?
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Eh? No, not at all. [ A little guilty, sure, but that's different. Allen's default state has generally been feeling lonely, so he certainly knows it when he doesn't feel that way. It's probably been the biggest adjustment of them all, and he pats Shouto hand very quickly to try and emphasize his adamancy. ]
I just mean it shouldn't have to be something you have to do by yourself.
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How do I...
[ Share? No, that's not what they're talking about. Work? Not quite right but closer. ]
Work with someone else?
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[ That's... a good question? Allen's quiet for a moment as he considers that, something he also does not have a track record of doing at all. He's always figured himself and his emotions out entirely on his own. That's fine. And if Shouto were just his friend, he'd leave him to his privacy of figuring himself out on his own while making sure he knew he was here if he wanted him. But this, whatever they are...
...it changes things. It changes him because because he holds a relationship like this up on such a high pedestal that the way he's always done things and conducted himself in a secretive, loner kind of way despite how many people he's already surrounded by—it would be wrong to continue like that. His actions no longer affect just him, and nor do Shouto's. It's why the other reason he'd blocked out any idea of any sort of relationship beyond friendship was precisely because of that: placing such a high set of expectations on himself in any sort of hypothetical that it was always just out of the question.
I'm trying to do better too, and his expression gentles as he becomes quite thoughtful. Looks down at their hands. ]
...For me, when I'm trying to figure something out about a situation or myself... I usually talk to Tim about it. It doesn't matter if he can't say anything back. Just hearing the words out loud and having someone who'll be supportive no matter what can help.
[ Were Timcanpy still out, he'd perk up and be watching quite closely. But he is not, staying deep within Allen's chest like a shield around his heart. But where he does watch so very quietly and solemnly. ]
So I think, being able to talk to someone like that who could listen, who knows me and who might be able to give a different perspective to see things from too...
[ He looks up at Shouto. Meets his eyes directly, grey to grey and teal, and clasps his hands as he speaks softly but earnestly. ]
That wouldn't hurt, would it?
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[ It's the first time he's said it out loud. The shifting waters of their relationship to what it once was when the two of them worked together as one instead of the one-sided pull that's defined their relationship for some time. Once he would go to her for advice to gain insight into his feelings. Lately, it was Shouto who would question her about hers.
Do you like playing? Do you like Tim? Do you like Wolf? Allen? Touya? Midoriya? Ochako? Bakugou?
It was a surprise to him when he realized he never asked her for her opinion on matters of the heart before going against her intuition when it came to Touya and Allen. As a cub, she was no longer an advisor but a soundboard, mirroring his heart exactly without any insights of her own. ]
She doesn't criticize you or my brother anymore.
[ He may have walked in on them talking. Well, Shouto talking, Kizu looking up at him with curious eyes before running off, distracted by something more interesting. Lately, she's less prone to go running off listening to him to the end with a lot less mauling of their shoes. ]
Unless you mean I should talk to someone else besides her?
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Allen wrinkles nose slightly, but lets it go. She had been kind of critical of him when he spoke to her too. But not meanly, so... He just smiles lightly at Shouto's question instead. Gentle and demure in manner, hesitating in a way that's a little shy as he lets his gaze drop aside. ]
I meant me.
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I do talk to you.
[ Then tacks on: ] The most.
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Then don't just say something like "I'll work on it" when it isn't just on you.
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Start making sense. ]
I don't see what's wrong. I'm not saying I won't talk to you.
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If I told you I didn't know how I felt about you, how I was worried I might hurt you in the future, and it was something that clearly upset me but I just told you it's okay, it's something that I and I alone would figure out--
[ That artfully raised eyebrow quirks slightly. ]
How would that make you feel?
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... Like you were hiding something.
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cw: domestic abuse
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cw: domestic abuse
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