[ While it was one terribly rough when he was a child, ever since he understood the nature of his heart and his Innocence reshaped to reflect that it's actually quite smooth and lacks much texture at all, hardened and like polished carapace except where there's plating over his fingers. The question catches Allen slightly offguard, and he glances up from watching how their fingers move against each other. Stares for a moment with a sort of gentle awe, before he squeezes Shouto's hand very, very gently in return. ]
Mm, I will. [ He says it automatically, but it's still true. He'll be nostalgic and some of those memories are deeply sad, but that's okay. He doesn't drown in them anymore. ]
I don't feel that way anymore. I made peace with it before I arrived here.
[ He took steps to rekindle his relationship with his mother. Saw her smile once more, and with it, the ache of that time in his life receded. Somehow, he doesn't think it's the same for Allen. Not with the way he looked just now. ]
If that changes.
[ He brings his hand to his lips, brushing a kiss on the polished carapace armor. ]
[ Oh, his heart lodges solidly in his throat at that, watching Shouto kiss his left hand so delicately. That's never going to get old, you know? For the same sorts of reasons why Allen will always easily blush. Freely and affectionately showing that sort of kindness, especially to that hand... Saying something like that so obviously, I'll be here by your side...
It takes him a moment to swallow past that lump and with it the slight sting of possible tears again, and another to push down the desire to reach for him again. Climb onto his lap and kiss him until he made those soft sighs again. Aaah, when did he get so needy?
He leans over to press his forehead lightly to Shouto's, letting their hair mesh together as the fingertips of his human hand skim lovingly along his jaw and thread into the red strands. The movement is delicate but a surge, threadbare and desperate but restrained, tension in his body like he's holding himself so precariously.
The last time he made this sort of promise-- ]
Me too. [ It's soft, but his voice cracks slightly. For however many years to come.
When he kisses him, it's a statement of intent. A selfish pursuit born out of a desire to be close to him. Touch him. Just as much as Allen. He was slow on the uptake, but once he knew what he wanted, it's become commonplace for them to end up like this. One kiss sparks another until they lose track of who started in the first place. ]
You are here.
[ He turns his head to the side, kissing the hand skimming down his jaw. ]
[ Lenalee called his desire to save others at cost to himself selfish too, and maybe it is. Allen doesn't attach any kind of noble idea or morality to what he does like that, he wouldn't call what he does kind even if he'd say it's a goal of his to be a kind person. He wouldn't see it as his place to judge his actions that way: the ultimate person who could say whether or not he's succeeded would be the one receiving it. Kindness exists in the eye of the beholder as much as anything to him.
And to him, Shouto feels kind. That's all he knows. All he needs to know. Not because he kisses him, but the reasons underlying it.
And it's okay to be selfish for those reasons.
He lets out a soft exhale when he turns and kisses his hand like that. At the soft affirmations, and for a moment a nagging voice at the back of his head points out the plates are all still there (he didn't even finish his last bite because he got distracted), they should clean up, but it's snuffed out as quickly as it came. Unimportant. For once in his life even the last bite of dinner—unimportant. And something in him quickly clicks over and feels a lot more certain.
There aren't any reasons not to. No unease of war, no internal ticking time bomb even if he's had a bit of his faith there shaken; no sense he has to give up some important part of himself to have this, or sense of guilt that he has to edit and smother himself or hurt him just by being who he is. There isn't even anything else he needs to do tonight: like he said earlier, all he wanted was to spend time with Shouto. This is spending time together too. Allen may be someone to choose a lot of sad, lonely roads for himself and denies himself nice things, but he always has very good reasons for those choices that are born from desperate necessity and he doesn't make them arbitrarily or out of some sense of self-punishment. Even if some of them have been so deeply ingrained they're reflexive and hard to shake. So, sod it—
He sits back momentarily, tugging Shouto to follow and turn to face him directly. His demeanor shifting with the soft sort of quiet clarity that settles on his face.
Paradigm shift. ]
I want to hold you, so—
[ He says it softly but boldly, a lot more boldly and directly than he is usually, as he sets his hands on Shouto's shoulders. Pushes down on them lightly as he rises up to his knees and swings one long leg around, settling down onto his lap in a familiar manner as he shifts his weight to be comfortable and leans in close to nuzzle gently at him. A gentle nudge of their noses with their lips a scant distance apart, and he peeks at him through heavily lidded white lashes.
There's been a lot of those for him lately. More subtle than this. They drift into his conscious thoughts like a morning bloom, barely making a ripple. By the time he acts on them, it's firmly established in his mind. It might seem bold and direct to someone looking in from the outside but in fact, it's been brewing inside him for some time. At least, when it comes to his relationships.
A deep thinker. It takes him time to decide what he's feeling. Once he was quick to deliberate, but that kind of swift certainty made him blind and led him astray down a single path. Now, he takes his time to see what unseen roads, lost among the foliage, he might traverse.
I want to hold you.
Shouto shifts his eyes to him. It shouldn't feel different yet it does. Why? Maybe its the light push on his shoulder. No. The way Allen swings a leg around him, settling down. Maybe. The way he nuzzles gently at his nose. The warm breath at his lips. The heavily lidded lashes.
Hold me too?
He loses his train of thought.
This isn't the first time he's held him this way, the feel of his legs around his waist has become synonymous with kissing him, so why was that a question?
He shakes his head. Takes his chin between index and thumb to tip his head up a notch to lock eyes with him. ]
[ He blinks at that, a touch taken aback. Despite asking it as a question, he wouldn't have moved as boldly as he did if he wasn't already completely certain of the answer and for a moment, wonders if he overstepped when Shouto shakes his head and captures his chin. His owns words being repeated back to him clear that brief uncertainty, but just leave him more confused briefly. He did though...? Or, no— tell.
Allen blinks, confusion shifting to surprise. Did you not want him to say it like a question?
...it's part of his demeanor, you know? Something hard-baked in with his generally polite and unassuming nature. He hadn't even realized it, that he'd asked it as a question. But is that so bad that he did?
He hesitates for a moment, expression softening and something gentle and unspoken flickering across it as he continues to stare into something deep in his eyes. Winds his arms around Shouto's shoulders then, crossing behind his neck, letting his weight slowly rest against him, and leans into the how he grasps him with a gentle yet earnest look in his eye. Serious but soft. ]
[ That's exactly what he wants. It wouldn't be an issue if it was the first time he'd held him this way. The hesitation that came from establishing new boundaries, and stretching old ones is something he understands. He makes a point of seeking consent at those times too. But this? Something already established between them? Was he the only one who thought that was the case?
It makes him question his own perspective. Was he the only one who thought it wasn't already a given? If so, what else had he missed? It'd be all too easy to go down that rabbit hole and have him retreat to figure out what he meant, but he knows Allen. At least, he thinks he does, so instead of backtracking, he confronts it straight on.
Why are you asking for something that's already yours?
The answer he receives isn't a denial which settles his initial unease, but he also doesn't know what he's asking for when the shared kisses between them amount to a handful just in the last hour let alone how far back 'before' extends to. ]
[ Because it's hard for him to understand what it means to truly have anything.
But also because when he asks him to hold him this time... he's asking something different than from previous times. If that was a distinction Allen was even fully aware he's making and not just a feeling he's pursuing.
But it is also just who he is. ]
In the kitchen. [ He murmurs it gently as he leans in to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth, sweet and certain, before he starts to leave a trail of them along his jaw. Sure of himself and gentle, innocuous, until he reaches the delicate skin where his jaw meets his ear and nips softly there. Squeezing him in a gentle embrace with his arms and legs both as he sucks a light mark at that spot. ]
[ His point made, his fingers lose their grip on his chin when he dips down to press a kiss at the corner of his mouth. He lets his hand drop, curving around his back as he trails kisses down his jaw with the intent to wrap him up in his arms. At least, that was his intent before Allen settles at the juncture of his jaw and ear.
His stomach tightens at the attention of his mouth, tensing underneath him at the continued scrutiny. He swallows thickly, mouth dry. Starts to lose focus and quickly answers before he forgets. ]
Okay.
[ Breathless and a little jumpy when he sucks on his skin little too hard. ]
But he hesitates when he feels Shouto tighten up beneath him, unsure if that's a good or bad thing, and blinks quietly for a moment against his skin. Before he repeats the motion with a much softer press of his lips this time and a quick, apologetic lick to the darkening spot.
Allen doesn't usually leave marks, but... well, it's happened before. He can be impulsive.
He did ask you to kiss him and then did something that didn't let you though, didn't he? So Allen sits back a little, pulling back just enough to be able to meet his eyes and try to read his expression there. Nosing gently at him as his fingers toy lightly with the short hairs at the back of his neck, and with a flickery sort expression that's both a little bold and shy too.
[ He sags forward a little, breathing out through his mouth to catch his breath. His muscles still feel tense, but noticeably less now that Allen's pulled back. Give him a minute. He's still trying to find executive function and it's going to take him just as long to figure out what he wants.
With his stomach still in knots, he starts to move, sliding one hand up his back, letting it settle at the back of his nape. He holds him there. Takes a breath and raises his head a little to catch sight of what he wants. He leans down between his neck and collarbone to nip at the skin there in much the way Allen had done before he settles his mouth over the spot and starts kissing him.
Lightly at first, with lips pressed against the skin. He finds his rhythm soon. Licks the spot to get a taste of him before he opens his mouth to suck lightly at the skin there. ]
[ It's okay, Allen will wait and just hold him gently while he catches his breath and re-centers himself. Fingers carding through his hair slowly as it helps him calm his own jitters down too.
His expression flickers slightly when Shouto dips towards his collar though, just the barest amount of surprise as it's more that... that's skin he normally always has covered except at bath time, partially because the large scar bisecting his torso also jags over his collarbone but he's because also just always dressed like that. Always wearing high collar shirts buttoned tight with ties and vests—except when he snatches one of Shouto's sweaters that aren't and are oversized on him.
So Allen jolts a little when he kisses him there, and his fingers slide deeper into his hair as he lets out a shaky sigh. Oh. That's both really nice but makes his stomach knot up, and his legs squeeze a bit tighter against Shouto's hips in response. But when he licks at the spot and sucks there--
! ] A-ah..
[ He gasps softly by his ear, flushing and shivering a little at the same time as he rakes a hand through Shouto's hair. Curls around him as much as he cradles him close. Oh. He-- he doesn't know and he feels really exposed and that makes him try to swallow but his throat's dry, but... his fingers tighten a little as he cradles his head close and squeezes his shoulder slightly. It's okay.
[ Born from a passion he's rarely dipped into and further prompted by the gasp near his ear, Shouto curves an arm around his waist dragging him forward as Allen cradles him close. With his head buried in his neck, it's far too easy to get lost in the heat of the moment.
He maintains control, but heat still emanates from him in gentle waves, set off by the drag of fingers in his hair. He shudders at the sensation and breaks the kiss to catch his breath, aware of just how tightly those legs grip his hips. That too raises his temperature by a notch.
With his eyes laser-focused on the patch of skin in front of him, it's nearly impossible not to catch a snag of jagged skin peeking from underneath the collar of his sweater. He first saw the scar after he washed up on the black sands of the beach head, back from the dead. He still remembers what he felt when he first laid eyes on it: fear, dread, and trepidation. For what happened. For what could happen again. Those same feelings get mixed up inside of him, clashing with desire.
He changes focus.
Slides a hand down the uneven scar exposing it to his eyes. His sweater, much too big on Allen, grows taut near the edge of his shoulder. His fingers grip the skin there, holding him in place. Then, he moves in a slow and deliberate fashion, giving Allen time to protest as his lips follow the same path, pressing kisses down his collarbone, sucking gently on the uneven skin. ]
[ At first, Allen isn't sure entirely what caught Shouto's attention when he seems to pause. Then again, he's a little dazed and distracted; taking a shaky breath to try and find himself again as he holds him tight but finding it hard to when Shouto feels so warm and by now he understands what that tends to mean. Not until he slides his hand along his shoulder and pulls the neck of the sweater so far down, and that— ]
! [ He sucks in a quick breath and still feels breathless, jolting a bit as the cool air hits his skin and his fingers dig into the fabric at Shouto's back. It'd almost be alarmed—almost and kind of is, like a brief splash of ice water, but he holds himself steady. Stares down in a marvel, actually, when he moves to kiss the edge of his scar from Crown Clown, and he realizes suddenly why he pulled his sweater down. It makes him stomach twist, heart in his throat, and hesitate for a moment. Overwhelmed and borderline panicky. That--
You're...
He wavers like leaf caught in the wind, unsure if he should push to stop him or not. Kneejerk having wanting to, and then a second later wondering... why. Why am I when you've done nothing that should make me uneasy, and Allen trembles lightly under the sweet and electric attention of his mouth. Knees shift a little side to side, squirming and trying not it. This is, ah...
This is almost too much and in fact might be, but he also knows just as strongly that it's okay and he presses a fiercely loving kiss to the side of Shouto's head as it's all he can reach. Holds him close like something so very precious and presses his cheek against the thin cool strands of white hair as the other continues to trail his mouth down the meandering line of his scar in a way that makes him feel lightheaded. Breathes out shakily by his ear and continues to try and kiss what he can reach of him in return.
[ Gently, almost tenderly, his lips trail down the line of his collarbone, careful not to leave a mark. Yet, his movements are in complete opposition to the urgent demand riding him to drag the sweater down past his shoulder to expose more skin. The compulsion feels like the same elemental urge to reach for his ice when he gets too hot and with his temperature steadily rising, it's too easy to get swept up in the heat of the moment and forget he's not the only one struggling.
He hears Allen suck in a breath. Feels the way he trembles in his arms, and puts a lid on those impulsive thoughts. He lets go of the sweater, letting it ride back into place, covering up his scar.
I got carried away.
Almost desperately, Shouto wraps his arms around his waist, unable to let go completely, and buries his face into his neck, breathing in the familiar scent. ]
You're shaking.
[ Said calmly compared to the intense manner in which he holds him. ]
[ He's shaking because it's a lot of things Allen's not used to feeling at all, whether from simply not or from lidding them so adamantly as to pretend they're not there at all. A very conscious repression on a visceral level, so letting himself start to feel that and convincing himself that in this case, because we feel this way it's okay--
He blinks when Shouto seems to stop and lets go of the sweater, about to pull back to try and catch sight of his face when he wraps his arms so solidly around him and buries his face against his neck. Sweeping him up like that but speaking in such a muted manner against his throat--
Had he been shaking that much you felt you should stop, or...?
Floundering and trying to reconcile that quiet answer with the sweet and threadbare sort of way Shouto's holding onto him like he actually needs to, Allen wraps arms and legs both around him in turn, swiftly and suddenly. So very gentle with a hand laid at the back of his neck where he strokes soothingly, and yet squeezing tight with his legs. Delicate and desperate. ]
I'm shaking because... I think what I'm feeling couldn't all fit inside of me. [ He whispers it a rough-soft voice by Shouto's ear, rubbing his cheek lightly against the side of his head and the lightly mixed strands of red and white from his earlier mussing. ]
Shouto-- [ I want-- No, not want, not just that, it's... ]
Never. Not once in his life did he ever think he could make someone happy. Not as he was, flawed and still stumbling through life trying to find his way through the world. The stigma of knowing he was the reason for his family's breaking point still clings to him despite his best efforts to cleanse himself of that responsibility. He knows better but inside his heart, the idea still holds on. Shouto, despite his progress, still has so much to do before he can make amends with his family. The idea that he could be the reason for anyone's happiness leaves him dazed and overcome with a maze of feelings he still hasn't the first clue what to make of.
His body shakes in muted intensity, completely overcome by the confession. It warps his entire outlook. Twists and distorts his own flawed view of himself. Unraveling what had once been warped by his own hand. He buckles to Allen completely. His feelings spill out in a show of shimmering gold from which Kizu emerges from behind her Sleeper. Muted in her demeanor just like him. Staring at Allen with the same mismatched eyes, she speaks in a voice that hasn't seen the light of day since the demon in the nightmare world struck her down.
Allen...
Her voice, delicate and gentle, touches his mind; quiet as a whisper. ]
You make me happy too.
[ Shouto manages between breaths, latching onto the ribbon of light Allen hands him in the dark corners of his heart. No longer shaking so fiercely, he starts to calm down. Behind him, the small snow leopard, settles into his back, inadvertently laying against Allen's leg. Comfortable in her lot, she settles down even as her Sleeper battles with his own heart.
Head still buried in his neck, Shouto slowly calms down no longer shaking so fiercely. ]
The name almost drops from Allen's lips, stunned at the sight of the snow leopard appearing suddenly. How she turns and looks at him like she used to, and touches his mind again with the same elegant and mature voice she had once. Before she became a cub, the one time she had answered him when he tried to speak to her. He blinks. Your eyes—
Shouto pulls his attention back when he speaks, but not before that small but extremely noticeable difference strikes him. His own throat tightens to hear the sentiment in return, and it echoes solemnly across his memories. This time it's my turn to make you happy... even though he felt like he never did enough, never succeeded in making Mana happy. In making anyone else truly happy, nothing more than passing moments to cling to through dark times. True happiness--
Ha, well... he laughs softly while still keeping his cheek pressed against his hair, helplessly and almost like he might cry, and runs a hand through Shouto's hair. Combing his fingers delicately and soothingly through the dualtone strands while keeping his arm curled around his shoulders. Feeling the small but solid weight of Kizu against his leg. ]
Then you can hold me like this until you do... [ He says it quietly by Shouto's ear but joyously, a lilt in his voice. ] and I will too. [ Remember?
You already told him the same. ]
What I love... is this. [ Allen nuzzles lightly at him, with a quiet but undeniably content smile his mouth curves into. Letting his hand drift gently down Shouto's spine to trace small patterns at his back, and continuing to stroke his hair softly. ]
[ With his head against his neck, brushing his cheek like a pair of turtle doves, Shouto relaxes in Allen's arms. The hand combing through his hair soothing in a way he hasn't felt in years. So used to being on his own, providing his own warmth, it feels so strange being soothed but all the more welcome. Maybe that's why he feels the need to explain his feelings even just a little even when he's not certain what they mean, spurred on by Allen's honesty. ]
I...
Sometimes, I want to do more than hold you.
[ He confesses against his neck, feeling a touch shy for the first time. ]
[ Ah... Allen hesitates, biting his lip slightly at that. Worrying at it a little and grateful that Shouto can't see him at this angle. That's, well... he isn't stupid. He might put his head forcefully in the sand on some things, but he's actually quite aware; he kind of had to be, given his upbringing. It was honestly a lot easier just to push everything down and ignore it.
But I like doing more than just holding you too. And it's harder to push down the desire to keep going.
He breathes out shakily, fingers playing with the short hairs at the nape of his neck. ] I think...
[ His fingers twitch; nervous and a little uneasy. Knees shift slightly as his legs loosen but still frame to either side of Shouto. ]
...I think that's okay, right?
[ It's vesper soft, barely audible. Like it's something so scary to admit out loud, to tiptoe around but also not. Something you've regarded with disdain and disgust most of your life but are starting to see as an extension of something beautiful you've always valued so dearly instead.
But that's also what makes him keep speaking, still softly and with uncertainty but forging ahead anyway. ]
Because even when we both start to shake and get overwhelmed... I want to kiss you more than I already was. [ He rubs his cheek against the side of his head again, hugging lightly. ] Or wish for you to keep touching me too.
[ He hesitates again, but it's thoughtful this time. Poignant. ]
[ At home, the only love he ever witnessed was the kind that broke a person. The type that exacted everything from them until they had nothing left to give. Demanding at every turn. Oppressive. Violent. All the things Shouto detested to this day.
It made him hesitant with his feelings. He always thought he was different from Endeavor. The one thing he knew about himself. I am not like you. But that proved a false narrative after his failure at the provisional license exam. Inasa had shown him how similar to Endeavor he truly was when his heart was full of bitterness. It forced him to reevaluate himself. Start from scratch.
One step forward, two steps back.
He grew from that experience. Let go of his resentment and focused on finding a different path than the one set for him. He paid closer attention to his feelings instead of reacting to what he felt and burning someone in the process. With his quirk that wasn't a figurative statement as Allen well knew. Yet, he never faulted him for his mishaps. It made him want to become someone he didn't have to be wary of.
Control of his quirk came first. Little by little, he came to understand the issue and worked to correct it. Allen might have noticed the lack of fire that flickered from him whenever they got carried away or the absence of ice he used as compensation. He still emitted heat. Given how tightly wound his quirk was to his feelings that's not something he'll ever fully get rid of. But, when they were like this, so tightly wound together, lost in each other's presence, he found a semblance of control in the maddening disarray of passion by going with the tide instead of struggling against it.
Taking a calming breath, Shouto lifts his head enough to brush his lips against the corner of his jaw. Quelled by his words while finding himself on the other side of that outlook. ]
I don't believe in always.
[ After having witnessed the utter deterioration of broken vows, he doesn't believe in such things anymore. Fairy tales. The same his mother read to him long ago, before the vows she made in faith lacerated her gentle demeanor. ]
But I believe in now.
[ He pulls back enough to cup his face in his hands. People change. The core of them remains the same, but sometimes that got twisted up with every passing season. But right now, there was no distortion that tainted the moment. No need to hesitate.
He kisses him. On the lips. Sweet and tender pouring the overflow of love and affection wedged so deeply within a guarded heart, it was impossible to ever be rid of it. ]
[ All Allen is is his vows though. Faith made fact through action and sheer determination. Beliefs and desires that are born from a deep understanding of his own feelings and convictions and how he wants to move through the world, ones that are ultimately rooted in the singular thing that motivates him: love. Unboxed and without the usual labels people try to put on it when he was someone who was never really exposed to any sort of it growing up, he defined it himself from watching the simple sort of love for the world itself Mana had. From being unable to help but love even the most despised and pitiable of entities, the endless suffering of a human soul born from the love they had for their departed ones that constitute an akuma. The love for whoever you can help even if you don't like them because of recognizing there was something precious and ever-valuable in them: the feelings they could have for someone else. Love and everything that comes from it is all that motivates Allen. All he understands, the bonds that tie.
And yet he also never knew or was ever exposed to its romantic form until Viktor and Palamedes, either. Tarnished or pure. Just of course common knowledge and observation of strangers in passing. Cross and his lovers...... was wholly different in his eyes. And more than enough reason to lid everything associated with that.
So... love is love. He is who he is. His feelings are what they are, and he's more sure of them than anything else because they're the only things he has been able to be certain of in a world full of uncertainty, where he doesn't even know his real name or age or even the faces of the parents who didn't want him. So this he knows and doesn't say lightly.
Will I always want to be with you— yes. Even if maybe someday other forces make that a very painful or impossible thing. He couldn't say things will always be this way, that Shouto might feel the same, the world is dark and terrible enough to know to never take faith blindly or think any small sliver of happiness safe, but... This I know. So he doesn't contradict him; lets himself be kissed and leans into it because of what it is, bringing his hands up to cup Shouto's face in kind. Because that kind of kiss... ]
Mm... [ This is why I'm sure. Something so pure from the heart, this sort of kiss, that showcases a heart Allen only finds himself more enamored with the more he understands it. And he holds it for a long and sweet moment too, before he catches Shouto's lip like he had with Allen earlier with the softest sort of nibble before he lets go. Nuzzles at him gently as he rises up slightly to let his eyes cast down at him and smiles gently. ]
I'll believe in both. [ Just that, said very gently and certainly. Fondly even, and he pauses for a long moment with an expression that's too warm to be hesitation. A little uncertain maybe, but... not thrown by it.
His thumbs brush along his cheek softly, and Allen tips his head slightly to the side. ]
He nods in understanding. Accepting his feelings while keeping to his own. It didn't change his outlook or put it into question. They were different people from the start.
Prompted by the question, his eyes drift up to meet his, taking in his face and -- ]
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no subject
Mm, I will. [ He says it automatically, but it's still true. He'll be nostalgic and some of those memories are deeply sad, but that's okay. He doesn't drown in them anymore. ]
Will you for "Mother's Day"?
no subject
[ He took steps to rekindle his relationship with his mother. Saw her smile once more, and with it, the ache of that time in his life receded. Somehow, he doesn't think it's the same for Allen. Not with the way he looked just now. ]
If that changes.
[ He brings his hand to his lips, brushing a kiss on the polished carapace armor. ]
I'll be here.
no subject
It takes him a moment to swallow past that lump and with it the slight sting of possible tears again, and another to push down the desire to reach for him again. Climb onto his lap and kiss him until he made those soft sighs again. Aaah, when did he get so needy?
He leans over to press his forehead lightly to Shouto's, letting their hair mesh together as the fingertips of his human hand skim lovingly along his jaw and thread into the red strands. The movement is delicate but a surge, threadbare and desperate but restrained, tension in his body like he's holding himself so precariously.
The last time he made this sort of promise-- ]
Me too. [ It's soft, but his voice cracks slightly. For however many years to come.
Whatever happens, I want to fight to keep this. ]
I'll be here too.
no subject
When he kisses him, it's a statement of intent. A selfish pursuit born out of a desire to be close to him. Touch him. Just as much as Allen. He was slow on the uptake, but once he knew what he wanted, it's become commonplace for them to end up like this. One kiss sparks another until they lose track of who started in the first place. ]
You are here.
[ He turns his head to the side, kissing the hand skimming down his jaw. ]
Right now, you are here.
[ And that's all he's ever wanted. ]
no subject
And to him, Shouto feels kind. That's all he knows. All he needs to know. Not because he kisses him, but the reasons underlying it.
And it's okay to be selfish for those reasons.
He lets out a soft exhale when he turns and kisses his hand like that. At the soft affirmations, and for a moment a nagging voice at the back of his head points out the plates are all still there (he didn't even finish his last bite because he got distracted), they should clean up, but it's snuffed out as quickly as it came. Unimportant. For once in his life even the last bite of dinner—unimportant. And something in him quickly clicks over and feels a lot more certain.
There aren't any reasons not to. No unease of war, no internal ticking time bomb even if he's had a bit of his faith there shaken; no sense he has to give up some important part of himself to have this, or sense of guilt that he has to edit and smother himself or hurt him just by being who he is. There isn't even anything else he needs to do tonight: like he said earlier, all he wanted was to spend time with Shouto. This is spending time together too. Allen may be someone to choose a lot of sad, lonely roads for himself and denies himself nice things, but he always has very good reasons for those choices that are born from desperate necessity and he doesn't make them arbitrarily or out of some sense of self-punishment. Even if some of them have been so deeply ingrained they're reflexive and hard to shake. So, sod it—
He sits back momentarily, tugging Shouto to follow and turn to face him directly. His demeanor shifting with the soft sort of quiet clarity that settles on his face.
Paradigm shift. ]
I want to hold you, so—
[ He says it softly but boldly, a lot more boldly and directly than he is usually, as he sets his hands on Shouto's shoulders. Pushes down on them lightly as he rises up to his knees and swings one long leg around, settling down onto his lap in a familiar manner as he shifts his weight to be comfortable and leans in close to nuzzle gently at him. A gentle nudge of their noses with their lips a scant distance apart, and he peeks at him through heavily lidded white lashes.
So it's okay if I want you too, isn't it? ]
...hold me too?
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There's been a lot of those for him lately. More subtle than this. They drift into his conscious thoughts like a morning bloom, barely making a ripple. By the time he acts on them, it's firmly established in his mind. It might seem bold and direct to someone looking in from the outside but in fact, it's been brewing inside him for some time. At least, when it comes to his relationships.
A deep thinker. It takes him time to decide what he's feeling. Once he was quick to deliberate, but that kind of swift certainty made him blind and led him astray down a single path. Now, he takes his time to see what unseen roads, lost among the foliage, he might traverse.
I want to hold you.
Shouto shifts his eyes to him. It shouldn't feel different yet it does. Why? Maybe its the light push on his shoulder. No. The way Allen swings a leg around him, settling down. Maybe. The way he nuzzles gently at his nose. The warm breath at his lips. The heavily lidded lashes.
Hold me too?
He loses his train of thought.
This isn't the first time he's held him this way, the feel of his legs around his waist has become synonymous with kissing him, so why was that a question?
He shakes his head. Takes his chin between index and thumb to tip his head up a notch to lock eyes with him. ]
Hold me too.
[ Not a question. ]
Tell me to hold you.
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Allen blinks, confusion shifting to surprise. Did you not want him to say it like a question?
...it's part of his demeanor, you know? Something hard-baked in with his generally polite and unassuming nature. He hadn't even realized it, that he'd asked it as a question. But is that so bad that he did?
He hesitates for a moment, expression softening and something gentle and unspoken flickering across it as he continues to stare into something deep in his eyes. Winds his arms around Shouto's shoulders then, crossing behind his neck, letting his weight slowly rest against him, and leans into the how he grasps him with a gentle yet earnest look in his eye. Serious but soft. ]
Only if you kiss me like you did before too.
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It makes him question his own perspective. Was he the only one who thought it wasn't already a given? If so, what else had he missed? It'd be all too easy to go down that rabbit hole and have him retreat to figure out what he meant, but he knows Allen. At least, he thinks he does, so instead of backtracking, he confronts it straight on.
Why are you asking for something that's already yours?
The answer he receives isn't a denial which settles his initial unease, but he also doesn't know what he's asking for when the shared kisses between them amount to a handful just in the last hour let alone how far back 'before' extends to. ]
Which time?
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But also because when he asks him to hold him this time... he's asking something different than from previous times. If that was a distinction Allen was even fully aware he's making and not just a feeling he's pursuing.
But it is also just who he is. ]
In the kitchen. [ He murmurs it gently as he leans in to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth, sweet and certain, before he starts to leave a trail of them along his jaw. Sure of himself and gentle, innocuous, until he reaches the delicate skin where his jaw meets his ear and nips softly there. Squeezing him in a gentle embrace with his arms and legs both as he sucks a light mark at that spot. ]
When I told you to kiss me the way you wanted to.
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His stomach tightens at the attention of his mouth, tensing underneath him at the continued scrutiny. He swallows thickly, mouth dry. Starts to lose focus and quickly answers before he forgets. ]
Okay.
[ Breathless and a little jumpy when he sucks on his skin little too hard. ]
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But he hesitates when he feels Shouto tighten up beneath him, unsure if that's a good or bad thing, and blinks quietly for a moment against his skin. Before he repeats the motion with a much softer press of his lips this time and a quick, apologetic lick to the darkening spot.
Allen doesn't usually leave marks, but... well, it's happened before. He can be impulsive.
He did ask you to kiss him and then did something that didn't let you though, didn't he? So Allen sits back a little, pulling back just enough to be able to meet his eyes and try to read his expression there. Nosing gently at him as his fingers toy lightly with the short hairs at the back of his neck, and with a flickery sort expression that's both a little bold and shy too.
Your turn then? ]
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With his stomach still in knots, he starts to move, sliding one hand up his back, letting it settle at the back of his nape. He holds him there. Takes a breath and raises his head a little to catch sight of what he wants. He leans down between his neck and collarbone to nip at the skin there in much the way Allen had done before he settles his mouth over the spot and starts kissing him.
Lightly at first, with lips pressed against the skin. He finds his rhythm soon. Licks the spot to get a taste of him before he opens his mouth to suck lightly at the skin there. ]
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His expression flickers slightly when Shouto dips towards his collar though, just the barest amount of surprise as it's more that... that's skin he normally always has covered except at bath time, partially because the large scar bisecting his torso also jags over his collarbone but he's because also just always dressed like that. Always wearing high collar shirts buttoned tight with ties and vests—except when he snatches one of Shouto's sweaters that aren't and are oversized on him.
So Allen jolts a little when he kisses him there, and his fingers slide deeper into his hair as he lets out a shaky sigh. Oh. That's both really nice but makes his stomach knot up, and his legs squeeze a bit tighter against Shouto's hips in response. But when he licks at the spot and sucks there--
! ] A-ah..
[ He gasps softly by his ear, flushing and shivering a little at the same time as he rakes a hand through Shouto's hair. Curls around him as much as he cradles him close. Oh. He-- he doesn't know and he feels really exposed and that makes him try to swallow but his throat's dry, but... his fingers tighten a little as he cradles his head close and squeezes his shoulder slightly. It's okay.
It's okay you can keep going. ]
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He maintains control, but heat still emanates from him in gentle waves, set off by the drag of fingers in his hair. He shudders at the sensation and breaks the kiss to catch his breath, aware of just how tightly those legs grip his hips. That too raises his temperature by a notch.
With his eyes laser-focused on the patch of skin in front of him, it's nearly impossible not to catch a snag of jagged skin peeking from underneath the collar of his sweater. He first saw the scar after he washed up on the black sands of the beach head, back from the dead. He still remembers what he felt when he first laid eyes on it: fear, dread, and trepidation. For what happened. For what could happen again. Those same feelings get mixed up inside of him, clashing with desire.
He changes focus.
Slides a hand down the uneven scar exposing it to his eyes. His sweater, much too big on Allen, grows taut near the edge of his shoulder. His fingers grip the skin there, holding him in place. Then, he moves in a slow and deliberate fashion, giving Allen time to protest as his lips follow the same path, pressing kisses down his collarbone, sucking gently on the uneven skin. ]
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! [ He sucks in a quick breath and still feels breathless, jolting a bit as the cool air hits his skin and his fingers dig into the fabric at Shouto's back. It'd almost be alarmed—almost and kind of is, like a brief splash of ice water, but he holds himself steady. Stares down in a marvel, actually, when he moves to kiss the edge of his scar from Crown Clown, and he realizes suddenly why he pulled his sweater down. It makes him stomach twist, heart in his throat, and hesitate for a moment. Overwhelmed and borderline panicky. That--
You're...
He wavers like leaf caught in the wind, unsure if he should push to stop him or not. Kneejerk having wanting to, and then a second later wondering... why. Why am I when you've done nothing that should make me uneasy, and Allen trembles lightly under the sweet and electric attention of his mouth. Knees shift a little side to side, squirming and trying not it. This is, ah...
This is almost too much and in fact might be, but he also knows just as strongly that it's okay and he presses a fiercely loving kiss to the side of Shouto's head as it's all he can reach. Holds him close like something so very precious and presses his cheek against the thin cool strands of white hair as the other continues to trail his mouth down the meandering line of his scar in a way that makes him feel lightheaded. Breathes out shakily by his ear and continues to try and kiss what he can reach of him in return.
You're so gentle. ]
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He hears Allen suck in a breath. Feels the way he trembles in his arms, and puts a lid on those impulsive thoughts. He lets go of the sweater, letting it ride back into place, covering up his scar.
I got carried away.
Almost desperately, Shouto wraps his arms around his waist, unable to let go completely, and buries his face into his neck, breathing in the familiar scent. ]
You're shaking.
[ Said calmly compared to the intense manner in which he holds him. ]
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He blinks when Shouto seems to stop and lets go of the sweater, about to pull back to try and catch sight of his face when he wraps his arms so solidly around him and buries his face against his neck. Sweeping him up like that but speaking in such a muted manner against his throat--
Had he been shaking that much you felt you should stop, or...?
Floundering and trying to reconcile that quiet answer with the sweet and threadbare sort of way Shouto's holding onto him like he actually needs to, Allen wraps arms and legs both around him in turn, swiftly and suddenly. So very gentle with a hand laid at the back of his neck where he strokes soothingly, and yet squeezing tight with his legs. Delicate and desperate. ]
I'm shaking because... I think what I'm feeling couldn't all fit inside of me. [ He whispers it a rough-soft voice by Shouto's ear, rubbing his cheek lightly against the side of his head and the lightly mixed strands of red and white from his earlier mussing. ]
Shouto-- [ I want-- No, not want, not just that, it's... ]
...It's because you make me feel so happy.
[ loved ]
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Never. Not once in his life did he ever think he could make someone happy. Not as he was, flawed and still stumbling through life trying to find his way through the world. The stigma of knowing he was the reason for his family's breaking point still clings to him despite his best efforts to cleanse himself of that responsibility. He knows better but inside his heart, the idea still holds on. Shouto, despite his progress, still has so much to do before he can make amends with his family. The idea that he could be the reason for anyone's happiness leaves him dazed and overcome with a maze of feelings he still hasn't the first clue what to make of.
His body shakes in muted intensity, completely overcome by the confession. It warps his entire outlook. Twists and distorts his own flawed view of himself. Unraveling what had once been warped by his own hand. He buckles to Allen completely. His feelings spill out in a show of shimmering gold from which Kizu emerges from behind her Sleeper. Muted in her demeanor just like him. Staring at Allen with the same mismatched eyes, she speaks in a voice that hasn't seen the light of day since the demon in the nightmare world struck her down.
Allen...
Her voice, delicate and gentle, touches his mind; quiet as a whisper. ]
You make me happy too.
[ Shouto manages between breaths, latching onto the ribbon of light Allen hands him in the dark corners of his heart. No longer shaking so fiercely, he starts to calm down. Behind him, the small snow leopard, settles into his back, inadvertently laying against Allen's leg. Comfortable in her lot, she settles down even as her Sleeper battles with his own heart.
Head still buried in his neck, Shouto slowly calms down no longer shaking so fiercely. ]
So much... I don't know what to do sometimes.
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The name almost drops from Allen's lips, stunned at the sight of the snow leopard appearing suddenly. How she turns and looks at him like she used to, and touches his mind again with the same elegant and mature voice she had once. Before she became a cub, the one time she had answered him when he tried to speak to her. He blinks. Your eyes—
Shouto pulls his attention back when he speaks, but not before that small but extremely noticeable difference strikes him. His own throat tightens to hear the sentiment in return, and it echoes solemnly across his memories. This time it's my turn to make you happy... even though he felt like he never did enough, never succeeded in making Mana happy. In making anyone else truly happy, nothing more than passing moments to cling to through dark times. True happiness--
Ha, well... he laughs softly while still keeping his cheek pressed against his hair, helplessly and almost like he might cry, and runs a hand through Shouto's hair. Combing his fingers delicately and soothingly through the dualtone strands while keeping his arm curled around his shoulders. Feeling the small but solid weight of Kizu against his leg. ]
Then you can hold me like this until you do... [ He says it quietly by Shouto's ear but joyously, a lilt in his voice. ] and I will too. [ Remember?
You already told him the same. ]
What I love... is this. [ Allen nuzzles lightly at him, with a quiet but undeniably content smile his mouth curves into. Letting his hand drift gently down Shouto's spine to trace small patterns at his back, and continuing to stroke his hair softly. ]
So we can figure out what to do together.
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I...
Sometimes, I want to do more than hold you.
[ He confesses against his neck, feeling a touch shy for the first time. ]
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But I like doing more than just holding you too. And it's harder to push down the desire to keep going.
He breathes out shakily, fingers playing with the short hairs at the nape of his neck. ] I think...
[ His fingers twitch; nervous and a little uneasy. Knees shift slightly as his legs loosen but still frame to either side of Shouto. ]
...I think that's okay, right?
[ It's vesper soft, barely audible. Like it's something so scary to admit out loud, to tiptoe around but also not. Something you've regarded with disdain and disgust most of your life but are starting to see as an extension of something beautiful you've always valued so dearly instead.
But that's also what makes him keep speaking, still softly and with uncertainty but forging ahead anyway. ]
Because even when we both start to shake and get overwhelmed... I want to kiss you more than I already was. [ He rubs his cheek against the side of his head again, hugging lightly. ] Or wish for you to keep touching me too.
[ He hesitates again, but it's thoughtful this time. Poignant. ]
I think I always will.
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It made him hesitant with his feelings. He always thought he was different from Endeavor. The one thing he knew about himself. I am not like you. But that proved a false narrative after his failure at the provisional license exam. Inasa had shown him how similar to Endeavor he truly was when his heart was full of bitterness. It forced him to reevaluate himself. Start from scratch.
One step forward, two steps back.
He grew from that experience. Let go of his resentment and focused on finding a different path than the one set for him. He paid closer attention to his feelings instead of reacting to what he felt and burning someone in the process. With his quirk that wasn't a figurative statement as Allen well knew. Yet, he never faulted him for his mishaps. It made him want to become someone he didn't have to be wary of.
Control of his quirk came first. Little by little, he came to understand the issue and worked to correct it. Allen might have noticed the lack of fire that flickered from him whenever they got carried away or the absence of ice he used as compensation. He still emitted heat. Given how tightly wound his quirk was to his feelings that's not something he'll ever fully get rid of. But, when they were like this, so tightly wound together, lost in each other's presence, he found a semblance of control in the maddening disarray of passion by going with the tide instead of struggling against it.
Taking a calming breath, Shouto lifts his head enough to brush his lips against the corner of his jaw. Quelled by his words while finding himself on the other side of that outlook. ]
I don't believe in always.
[ After having witnessed the utter deterioration of broken vows, he doesn't believe in such things anymore. Fairy tales. The same his mother read to him long ago, before the vows she made in faith lacerated her gentle demeanor. ]
But I believe in now.
[ He pulls back enough to cup his face in his hands. People change. The core of them remains the same, but sometimes that got twisted up with every passing season. But right now, there was no distortion that tainted the moment. No need to hesitate.
He kisses him. On the lips. Sweet and tender pouring the overflow of love and affection wedged so deeply within a guarded heart, it was impossible to ever be rid of it. ]
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And yet he also never knew or was ever exposed to its romantic form until Viktor and Palamedes, either. Tarnished or pure. Just of course common knowledge and observation of strangers in passing. Cross and his lovers...... was wholly different in his eyes. And more than enough reason to lid everything associated with that.
So... love is love. He is who he is. His feelings are what they are, and he's more sure of them than anything else because they're the only things he has been able to be certain of in a world full of uncertainty, where he doesn't even know his real name or age or even the faces of the parents who didn't want him. So this he knows and doesn't say lightly.
Will I always want to be with you— yes. Even if maybe someday other forces make that a very painful or impossible thing. He couldn't say things will always be this way, that Shouto might feel the same, the world is dark and terrible enough to know to never take faith blindly or think any small sliver of happiness safe, but... This I know. So he doesn't contradict him; lets himself be kissed and leans into it because of what it is, bringing his hands up to cup Shouto's face in kind. Because that kind of kiss... ]
Mm... [ This is why I'm sure. Something so pure from the heart, this sort of kiss, that showcases a heart Allen only finds himself more enamored with the more he understands it. And he holds it for a long and sweet moment too, before he catches Shouto's lip like he had with Allen earlier with the softest sort of nibble before he lets go. Nuzzles at him gently as he rises up slightly to let his eyes cast down at him and smiles gently. ]
I'll believe in both. [ Just that, said very gently and certainly. Fondly even, and he pauses for a long moment with an expression that's too warm to be hesitation. A little uncertain maybe, but... not thrown by it.
His thumbs brush along his cheek softly, and Allen tips his head slightly to the side. ]
...what do you want to do?
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He nods in understanding. Accepting his feelings while keeping to his own. It didn't change his outlook or put it into question. They were different people from the start.
Prompted by the question, his eyes drift up to meet his, taking in his face and -- ]
Can I brush your hair?
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cw: domestic abuse
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cw: domestic abuse
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